Spin Cycle

Hey Ryan, Welcome to the club!

United States' Ryan Lochte prepares before a men's 4x200-meter freestyle heat during the swimming  at the 2016 Summer Olympics, Tuesday, Aug. 9, 2016, in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.
United States' Ryan Lochte prepares before a men's 4x200-meter freestyle heat during the swimming at the 2016 Summer Olympics, Tuesday, Aug. 9, 2016, in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

Dear Ryan Lochte,

We want to wish you a hearty congratulations on all those many, many gold medals you won at the Olympics. Well, OK, that one gold medal that you shared with the other guys of the men's 4-by-200-meter freestyle relay. We want you to know that we noticed your success -- even if the world was too busy paying way too much attention to that whopper of a tall tale you wove.

And about that untruth you told, we want to say, you go boy! And yes, you are still a boy. Contrary to what society thinks is reasonable, 32 years old to us is still a boy (even if he does have dyed silver hair). We understand better than anyone that boys will still be boys!

We are positive you would be a perfect fit for our club. We suspected as much when your mother, Ileana, told the press about your being robbed at gunpoint (the U.S. Olympic Committee also had your back) and the International Olympic Committee said the account was false. Sure, it takes a jerk to lie to his higher-ups, but only a real jerk lies to his mama too. We admire your style!

You knew there was a good chance you'd be caught. Still, you stuck to and even embellished your story, telling the Today show's Billy Bush you got pulled over in your taxi, had a gun put to your forehead and had your wallet (but, curiously, not your phone nor credentials) stolen. You tweeted a thank-you message to your supporters while confirming the alleged crime yet again prior to talking with various bodies, from the State Department and the FBI to the Rio de Janeiro police.

Then, like the friend you are, you headed the heck home, leaving your teammates to give conflicting accounts and take the fall. Only then did you sort of admit to NBC's Matt Lauer that you lied, this while still lying: Maybe the gun wasn't put to your head, but it was "pointed in my direction."

It would soon be revealed that your drunken and rowdy group of swimmers got caught on camera trashing a gas station bathroom; that a confrontation with security guards only happened when they sought compensation for your shenanigans. (Even then you had people apologizing for you, like Rio Olympics spokesman Mario Andrada, who said, "Let's give these kids a break," as if you were 13 and not 32! Wow, you had him as snowed as your dyed hair!)

Now, see here is where we think we could help you, bro. Now we were positive you were doing something worthwhile -- partying way past curfew or getting busy at a brothel. Vandalizing a service station? You can do better than that, and we are here for you!

After hiring the same damage control firm as Justin Bieber (who we hope will join us one day), you again visited with Matt Lauer, only you never admitted to lying. You would only say that you were intoxicated (hey, athletes work up a thirst!) and therefore you "over-exaggerated some parts of the story" over and over and over again. In an interview with Brazil's largest broadcaster, you'd again say, "I wasn't lying to a certain extent. I over-exaggerated what was happening to me."

The most exceptional liars are the ones who lie even while apologizing for lying. And for that we salute you.

As of the writing of this letter, it appears several of your endorsement deals have fallen through: Speedo, Ralph Lauren, Airweave mattresses and Gentle Hair Removal have all dropped you. Whatever. That's just more free time to hang with us. And we, unlike them, still want you!

Since you love swimming so much, how about a beach weekend with the guys?

Disrespectfully yours,

Fraternal Order of Fibbers

Tiger Woods, president

Lance Armstrong, vice president

Brian Williams, public relations

John Edwards, treasurer

James Frey, recording secretary

Anthony Weiner, immediate past president

Mark Sanford, new member recruitment

Bernie Madoff, prison outreach

Fabricate an email:

[email protected]

Spin Cycle is a smirk at pop culture. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30 to 9 a.m. Monday through Friday.

Style on 08/28/2016

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