Guest writer

The Crazy Party

Nuts, and not afraid to admit it

Politics are so extreme these days that it's getting so you can't talk about it to anyone if there's a possibility that you might have a contrary view. I think we need to change this extremist political polarity with a new type of candidate.

I recently attended a neighborhood barbecue. The small gathering included some old-timers like myself along with a few newbies to the neighborhood. I was sitting next to one of the newbies when, out of the blue, she turned to me and said, "When it gets too bad in this country, I'm moving to Vancouver."

To which I replied, "Well, Vancouver is nice."

A few minutes later I thought I heard one of the old-timers starting a political conversation with a newbie. No, no, no, no. This is not the venue. We need to pretend to all get along today. So I raised my voice just a tad and announced that I had made an important decision. The conversation stopped and all eyes turned to me.

"I'm going to run for president," I said. There was a stunned silence for a moment, and then I continued, "and I'm going to make Carol [the host] my vice president."

Everyone laughed, and the day was saved from a political conversation catastrophe.

Later, I started forming answers to potential questions. What party will you run on? It will be a fourth party known as The Crazy Party. Everyone thinks I'm crazy anyway, so that works. For a slogan, I'm gonna plagiarize Rodney King with "Can't we all get along?"

Why have Carol as your vice president? Because I'm mouthy and say what I think. Carol, on the other hand, tends to think before she speaks, and since she lived overseas at one point I figure she's got foreign-affairs experience. She's constantly taking off on some road trip, so that will give me a head start in a lot of the states. And she was a school principal. I'll put her in charge of making Congress behave.

What is your experience? I have no political experience, but apparently that doesn't matter. I will confess openly that I have been a founder of NAPO, the National Association of Professional Organizers. As a result, today there are professional organizers all over the country trying to conquer people's clutter--insidiously horrific, I know.

I do have experience getting walls built. Retaining walls for shrubs and flowers around the house, but hey, they're walls--so that counts on the wall front, trust me.

I have been a speaker, and, although when riled up, I can out-swear a boatload of sailors, I have never cursed in front of a live audience. I could change that if it would help. I don't denigrate other people in crude ways, but I can make a bunch of crazy claims. It's just words, right?

What about your tax returns? What about them? They're pathetic. Be my guest.

Do you have any skeletons in your background? Well, yes. I've lied. When I was 10 years old, I found a wallet on the school bus and I kept it. Alas, the gestapo known as my parents found out, and they marched me over to the owner's house to apologize to the parents and the girl. I was totally humiliated, so no other lies.

Really? No other lies? OK, well, back when I was an employee, I think I may have called in sick once or twice when I wasn't really, you know, sick.

OK, so that's it, right? OK, OK, fine. I'll confess that in certain past intimate situations, I may have lied to the other person as to their overall abilities. But in my defense, I'm pretty sure all women do it. Go ahead, ask your wife. Her answer will be a lie.

What about your emails? Are they perfect? Really, are you kidding me? I'm a writer. People fall asleep reading my long emails. If you want to wade through those, go ahead.

Have you ever had a mental "short circuit" situation? No--not that I can remember.

Anything else? Yeah. Hair counts in this election. Although my hair doesn't look like a ski slalom, it's usually a noticeable mess, which should be a big plus for getting lots of press.

What phantasmagorical promises will you make? OK, first I'll make all robocalls illegal. Next, I'll make customer service electronic voices with the "press 2," "press 4," "press ..." illegal. These two actions will take some time because as you know, Congress pretty much does nothing, but I'm gonna give it the old Crazy Culp try.

Believe me.

------------v------------

Stephanie Culp is a writer in Bella Vista who describes herself as a Salty Old Broad.

Editorial on 08/22/2016

Upcoming Events