Commentary: Eye-opening discoveries

Is it time for a war on loss of sleep?

It's official: Sleep is the new macaron.

You know macarons, those Easter egg-colored little French cookies over which everyone is losing their respective minds? The ones that went from an interesting, hard-as-trigonometry-to-make fringe dessert to a cultural phenomenon complete with niche stores, websites and cargo-cult-like status?

Yep, that's the ones. Really good, lots of craftsmanship involved, interesting tastes, but ... a cookie, so ... all that adoration ... hmmm.

It appears sleep -- that thing your mom always said you needed more of, that thing you said you would do when you die, the thing we once used to pride ourselves on neglecting, that thing we didn't want to be caught doing at the wheel or for more than four hours a night if we're some techie entrepreneur -- has now been elevated to the same pedestal as Gallic snack food.

Which is to say we've rediscovered it, had a full somnolent freak-out about it, called for studies, pondered changes to school or work start times and, generally, declared war on sleep deprivation (finally, a war we can win by doing nothing). Yes, apparently we've woken up to the fact that, as a nation, we don't get enough sleep.

A note here: This column is going to be positively littered with bad puns about sleep. So, you might want to suggest to anyone in the same room with you that the resultant groaning is no reason to call 911. Don't be caught napping. See, it happened again.

Of course, as with most "panic trends" (see: gluten, the purity of tap water and using those big bouncy beach balls as chairs) there is more than a glimmer of truth to the concern. As a country, heck, as a world, we've been caught napping when it comes to sleep. Our hectic lifestyles, the 24/7 nature of content available to us and our misguided belief in the benefits of working while the rest of the globe is resting its collective weary head, means "sleep-deprived" is the new default setting.

That's not good. Lack of sleep is terrible for your short- and long-term health and leads to bad habits like overeating (apparently, while we're not sleeping, we're snacking. Who knew?). Not sleeping shortens our lives, makes us less pleasant people and more dangerous drivers, results in bad decisions and hurts our productivity and relationships. Studies have concluded that showing up to work sleep deprived is, in some cases, as bad if not worse than showing up legally drunk.

So, among the things keeping me awake at night is worrying about not getting enough sleep. Those of you who need a real-life example of "irony" .... you're welcome.

Now absolutely none of that sounds positive, and we probably need to do something about it. Like, go to bed. But, us being us, that solution really isn't good enough. I mean, why do something simple when you can mess with it? So now we have books, magazine articles, talk show appearances and all sorts of multi-step "how to's" and timelines designed to help us get more shuteye.

There are even podcasts dedicated to telling us how to sleep. Again, pause for a moment and consider that: Someone on the radio of the 2000's is talking about sleeping. Because, I guess the "Adventures in Depreciation Line Item Review" podcast was getting just a little too wild and crazy.

I personally have a three-step sleep plan.

Step 1: Lay down.

Step 2: Pass out.

Step 3: Wake, flailing at the alarm clock unless, of course, I didn't precede Step 1 by setting it.

As with most things, I, apparently, have been doing it wrong. Big surprise.

We're supposed to lower the room temperature to 67 degrees (because it all goes to pieces at 68, apparently), banish electronic devises from the room at least 30 minutes before bedtime ("bad cellphone! You just sit there in the kitchen and think about what you've done"), exercise (but not too much, too little or too close to nighty-night) and be careful what we eat, drink, take, do or even ponder.

Apparently, we're supposed to be incredibly "intentional" about going to sleep. As opposed, I suppose, to being unintentional about going to sleep which, in my case explains that electric hedge-trimmer-related scar. I mean, you'd think it would be tough for a person to doze off on top of a ladder ... .

Look, I get it. Lots of people have developed some pretty bad habits and/or just have a lot on their plates, and we don't sleep as much as we used to. That's not good, but I doubt a 12-step program or a rigid, anxiety-inducing set of guidelines is going to help.

So here's my foolproof methodology. Take one sofa, one Saturday afternoon and one golf tournament on the television. Five minutes, you're out like a light. Yes, indeed, my work here is done. Think I'll reward myself with a cookie.

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Gary Smith is a recovering journalist living in Rogers.

Commentary on 04/29/2016

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