The 'good goodbye'

Moving to a new church challenges pastors to sever ties

The Rev. Paul McLain waves to parishioners at Trinity Episcopal Cathedral in Little Rock after being presented with gifts from the congregation by Jack Harvey during a farewell gathering on Aug. 30.
The Rev. Paul McLain waves to parishioners at Trinity Episcopal Cathedral in Little Rock after being presented with gifts from the congregation by Jack Harvey during a farewell gathering on Aug. 30.

When the Rev. Paul McLain accepted the post as associate rector at Calvary Episcopal Church in Memphis, he knew it would be difficult to say goodbye to parishioners at Trinity Episcopal Cathedral in Little Rock. He had been through the move from one church to another before and knew the importance of a "good goodbye."

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Parishioners at Trinity Episcopal Cathedral applaud during a farewell gathering for the Rev. Paul McLain and his wife, Ruthie. McLain left the church to begin serving another congregation in Memphis.

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Marian Belew says her goodbyes to the Rev. Paul McLain during a brunch in his honor at Trinity Episcopal Cathedral.

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The Rev. David Freeman

McLain and his wife, Ruthie, had come to the cathedral five years ago after saying farewell to another congregation, in Lawrence, Kan.

"It was a hard goodbye," McLain said. "But we felt a genuine call to ministry here."

At the cathedral, McLain served as canon and sub-dean. Part of his ministry was to provide pastoral care -- to listen to and counsel parishioners, to pray with them, to laugh with them in times of joy and cry with them in times of sorrow. After five years of ministry, he had developed deep relationships with parishioners, so when he heard about the opening at the church in Memphis he was filled with mixed emotions.

"What they were looking for made me interested in exploring," he said. "I was very happy here but I felt the need to be open to where God was leading us."

He explored the opportunity, all the while knowing that "the call may be to stay or to leave."

Ultimately, McLain said he was excited about the vision at Calvary and thought he could contribute. The decision was bittersweet. He and Ruthie would have to leave the city and church they loved.

McLain wrote a letter to parishioners about his decision and charted a path for saying goodbye at the end of August.

"It's an important thing to do and to do it well," he said. "You really build up some deep pastoral relationships with people. You grow to love them."

McLain said ministers spend time in parishioners' homes, praying with them. They preside over weddings and funerals. They baptize parishioners into the faith and are there to celebrate the births of their children. Leaving after walking alongside individuals through the intimate ups and downs of their lives is never easy, he said.

"We become as attached as they do," he said. "I'm deeply going to miss both Trinity and Little Rock. I'm genuinely going to miss the people here."

LETTING GO

W.J. Bryan III, associate dean for student affairs at Perkins School of Theology at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, is well aware of the need for a "good goodbye." He served as an associate pastor and pastor for 21 years in the United Methodist Church before joining the faculty at Perkins, where, among other duties, he teaches students at the seminary how to say farewell to a congregation as part of a pastoral leadership class.

Bryan said pastors should have a plan for leaving and be ready to make difficult decisions about relationships and boundaries.

"Some of the biggest sticky spots are weddings and funerals -- people inviting you back," Bryan said.

He advises pastors to decline those requests and instead urge their old parishioners to ask the new pastor to lead the ceremonies.

"It's a great way for them to bond with the new pastor and move on," he said. "Ideally, for the next couple of years you get out of that business in the old church and do it in the new church."

Bryan said saying "no" can be hard on the families of those getting married or those with a loved one who has died, and also hard on the pastor declining their requests. He said one way to contribute without overstepping boundaries would be to write a letter for the new pastor to read or to share a story about the new couple or the deceased to be shared at the service.

Another tough issue for pastors is friendships with church members. Some form close friendships with people in the church; others limit their friendships to those outside their own congregation. Bryan said his family had a rather rigid way of dealing with close friendships when they left a church.

"We'd have a nice dinner and say, 'We love you and you love us but we're going to be gone for a year and after a year we'll see what's there and what we want to pick up,'" he said. "I say to my friends, 'I don't want you to be grouchy members. If you are still working just as strong nobody is going to care if we went fishing together. But if you are grouches, that reflects on my ministry and I don't want that.'"

Bryan said saying goodbye is also hard on spouses and children and he encourages pastors to pay attention to their families after the move.

For Ruthie McLain, saying goodbye to a congregation didn't get easier the second time around.

"Saying it was bittersweet is too easy; it's more complex," she said. "Specifically, there are some folks at the cathedral I know very well, enjoy deep friendships with, and shared life's joys, celebrations, challenges and sorrows. Those are the painful goodbyes. Others I will miss dearly and carry with me some pretty terrific memories."

She said she'll miss many things.

"I'll miss my friends reading Scripture from the lectern and bearing the chalice for Communion. I'll miss the frantic dash to get brunch into the chafing dishes when the service ends early or the kitchen clock is off. I'll miss the stained-glass windows and the way the light shines through the one above the altar at just a particular angle. I'll miss Dawn Howe 'herding cats' as she invites the children to follow the cross, and I'll miss passing the peace of the Lord and all the hugs that go with it," she said.

She said when her husband was in seminary, he was taught to say goodbye well and then make room for the new priest.

"That means limiting your contact with members of your former parish to make room in their hearts for their new priest," she said. "When we left Kansas, I rarely connected with anyone except for Christmas cards and an occasional phone call. I now believe there needs to be a balance between making space and keeping in touch. I'm going to try to keep in closer touch with those wonderful people that I miss already."

BUILDING NEW RELATIONSHIPS

The Rev. David Freeman experienced his first pastoral move this summer. He had served for 12 years as executive pastor at First United Methodist Church in Springdale -- his first appointment as a member of the clergy -- and was appointed senior pastor to First United Methodist Church in Little Rock in July. It was a homecoming for Freeman. He's a native of Little Rock and grew up in the church he now serves. His great-great-grandfather also served there.

But saying goodbye to the folks in Springdale was difficult.

"I went there right out of seminary," he said. "I kind of came into my own there. Our kids were born while we lived in Springdale. You could say I was still a newlywed when we arrived. I was still in my 20s and was 40 when I left. All I know of real adulthood was there in Springdale."

In the United Methodist Church, pastors agree to be sent to serve where they are needed and pastoral changes are common, so Freeman knew that a new appointment was inevitable.

"We found out we were moving in February and didn't move until June, so it was a long process of having to say goodbye for a long time," he said. "For me, the question was how do you wrap up 12 years of ministry? How do you not walk into an office that you spent more time in than your home and how do you make that emotional cutoff?"

Having time to prepare was essential, Freeman said.

"It was really, really important because for me the relationships were so deep and I had to begin to shift my mind from 'These are people I serve as their pastor' to 'What's the new relationship?' I had to redefine the relationships, where I've been in a certain role as pastor, a function I can identify, to 'What am I? Do I even have a relationship with them outside of being pastor?' I had to really wrestle with that."

Freeman said the church allowed him to take off the month of June. He spent the time writing, working on projects and mourning.

"It set some goals for myself and readjusted my focus," he said. "That was really important."

Freeman said that for him, the core of ministry is about building relationships, and it's hard when those relationships become temporary.

"It's hard to let go of those," he said.

At his Little Rock church, Freeman said, he's working on establishing new relationships.

"It's surreal," he said. "Not only did I grow up in the church but I worked here four years as youth director. So I'm going back to the same building I worked in when I was in college but in a completely different role. I'm not this young punk youth director. I'm the senior pastor."

"It's strange to be senior pastor for people whose kids I grew up with. For instance, today I'm planning a funeral for a man who I've known his family all my life. Now I'm shifting from a longtime family friend to their pastor, so in a way it's a mirror of what I transitioned out of."

Religion on 09/26/2015

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