On Saturday Night Live, cast member Cecily Strong skillfully plays a recurring clueless character: Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party.
With an intensity matched only by her inebriation, she delivers eye-roll-worthy observations and opinions about the world, like "There are homeless people who can't even pay their mortgages!" and "People who are orphans are twice as likely not to have parents!" and "There are high school students who can't even point out India on a map of Africa."
Strong's Weekend Update sketches only last a couple minutes. But in real life, we know those dreaded party conversations can drag on longer.
With fall and winter gatherings coming up, it's not a bad time to brush up on conversation closing skills. A Facebook post from NBC's Today show caught my eye and demanded to be clicked: "Cornered at a party? Here are eight words to get you out of any conversation."
Only eight words? We had to guess at what those could be.
Maybe, "I have a communicable disease you don't want."
Oh perhaps, "I think your car is being towed now."
How about, "Sheesh, would you mind shutting up already? Please?"
The Today show link was to a video of the cast chatting that went on for far too long, so I clicked on the link that inspired it: a New York magazine article adapted from a new book by Josh Gondelman (an Emmy-nominated writer for Last Week Tonight With John Oliver) and Joe Berkowitz (journalist and Fast Company editor), You Blew It! An Awkward Look at the Many Ways in Which You've Already Ruined Your Life.
The article's opening: "Party conversations should ideally be like cotillions, those 18th-century European dances that involve four couples in interlocking patterns before disassembling gracefully and possibly catching some kind of plague. Most actual party conversations, however, are more like lap dances at sloppy strip clubs -- weird to do in public, and one person is clearly way more into it than the other. An awkward chat at a party could hypothetically go on for the entire night, not just the length of the next three songs chosen by a Champagne-room DJ named Big Rick."
Aren't these guys, Gondelman and Berkowitz, witty? With their wry observations, who wouldn't love to mingle with them? But as for those uptight neighbors, weird relatives and irritating friends of friends of friends? Well, such people make us want to party hardly, not hardy.
"The simplest but most challenging way to exit a conversation is simply to leave," Gondelman and Berkowitz write.
They suggest looking someone in the eye and saying these eight words: "Great talking to you. I'll see you later."
That's it. No making excuses, just a simple, straightforward exit.
But I know myself, and executing a simple, straightforward exit would leave me with complicated, chaotic thoughts.
Was I too short? Will she think I blew her off? Is she going to think I'm rude? Did I hurt her feelings? What if she really needed someone to talk to? What if she goes home and cries? What if I crushed her spirit?
I would surely end up overanalyzing the situation, calling to apologize and then getting stuck in an even longer, more painful conversation with me groveling until she attempted to end the talk with a quick "Great talking to you. I'll see you later."
Only it wouldn't end there.
I, having lost all dignity, would answer "So you promise you'll see me later? And you'll definitely talk to me? We're cool right? I mean, I feel really bad for giving you the brushoff."
She'd have no choice but to throw out: "I have a communicable disease you don't want."
I'd respond: "In that case, I will cook for you! I'll be right over with soup!"
She'd respond: "I think your car is being towed now."
I'd respond: "I don't mind walking -- not for a great friend like you!"
She'd respond: "Sheesh, would you mind shutting up already? Please?"
I'd respond: "Fine. It was horrible talking to you both times. And I'll see you never!"
See, the Gondelman and Berkowitz "Great talking to you. I'll see you later" really does work at ending conversations.
All conversations. No more parties for you. You're staying home and watching SNL. Forever.
Great emailing with you:
What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30-9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 10/13/2015