If you're reading this, it means you've successfully survived thirds and even fourths of the candied yams and are well on your way to the next great event of the holidays -- Black Friday, the official start of the Christmas Shopping Season.
So, with the Yin of the beauty that is the Yule comes the Yang that is Christmas shopping. Or maybe it's the other way around. But you get my drift.
Actually, holiday shopping or gift shopping in general wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact I'm just really bad at it. But it's not for want to trying.
And as far as gift-giving is concerned, past a certain age and years or relationship status, having your heart in the right place is only an advantage during bypass surgery.
I often remark that it appears I lost the ability to feed and dress myself when I got married, but pictures taken before the event would indicate perhaps I never really had those skills to begin with. Such, I'm afraid, may be the case with my gift-buying acumen.
There was the vase I bought for my first college girlfriend -- because every college girl really wants a vase for her dorm room. Or the time I bought one a picture frame. A note: when someone else's picture shows up in that frame, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your relationship status. Someone else already has.
But in the spirit of public service, and with the revelation that you're never useless if you can serve as a bad example, allow me to give you a few insights you can take with you into the marked-down, bonus point-laden, two-for-one riot that is holiday shopping for your significant other.
The first important thing to remember is that no one wants "nothing." Despite what they say, your mom doesn't want "nothing." Your grandmother doesn't want "nothing." You spouse doesn't want "nothing." Heck, Melinda Gates doesn't want "nothing," although you can imagine the conversation she has with her friends; "Every year Bill buys me the same thing, a life-saving water treatment plant in a third-world country. I mean, it's sweet, but what I really want is some more hand soaps from Bed, Bath and Beyond ..."
OK, I'm guessing that conversation never takes place. But it might. Because that "Twisted Peppermint" smells great and is great for your skin. But, I digress.
Then, there is the matter of gift cards. As a nation I think we've all progressed beyond the point where we view gift cards as a soulless reminder that absolutely no care was put into the buying of a gift and see them as what they really are: soulless reminders that absolutely no care was put into the buying of something you'll have to return to get the money to buy what you really want.
In other words, I think we're all good with them now.
There are, however, exceptions. Buying a gift card for one of your children says, "I really didn't want to actually go into that store where the lights are too dark, the music too loud, the perfume too heavy and the sales staff too pierced and tattooed, so I went online and got this for you." It also says, "one more check-marked off!"
Buying a gift card for your spouse for anything other than, say, a spa day, says "yep, waited until the last minute again and completely disregarded even the most obvious of hints." It also says, "I'm, basically, giving you money. Which means I really have no idea how a joint checking account works."
More insights: No buying gifts that are really for you, predicated on the complete falsehood that they're actually supposed to do something great for your spouse. No barbecue grills purchased so "you'll do more of the cooking." No bass boats because "I thought you'd want to spend more time at the lake." Unless what your spouse really wants is for you to spend more time at the lake. Which might be another story. Reference that picture frame I mentioned earlier.
And don't try to do too much with a present. For our wedding, the Lovely Mrs. Smith bought me a watch. I racked my brain (well, upon realizing I was actually supposed to get her a present) and came up with a stuffed rabbit because I wanted it to symbolize the subject of a children's book she said she liked.
Yeah, earrings. That was probably the way to go.
The holiday shopping season is full upon us, but with a little luck and these tips, you're off the hook. Except ... have you given any thought to your beloved's birthday? And when is that anniversary again?
Commentary on 11/27/2015