As parents, grandparents or anyone who knows one of the aforementioned know, it's graduation season. Right about now, all those people who put the milk in your grocery bag upside down on top of the eggs are about to be released into the world, where, in a few short years, they'll be your primary care physician. Pause and consider that for a moment.
While you're thinking about that, think about the ones left behind, the poor souls with years to go before they, too, are released on a largely unsuspecting world.
After all, graduates are getting all the words of encouragement and advice before they head off to ignore it all until they have children of their own and discover they've become their mothers and fathers (see: Life, Circle of).
What advice do we have for those who remain behind? Where is their "OK, you haven't graduated (and the jury is still out on whether that's going to take place), so this isn't technically a graduation speech, but you looked like you needed either encouragement or a swift kick in the ..." address?
Well, have no fear. I'm here for you. So, Class of 20-whenever, here are some words to live the next few years by.
First, the smart kid you just closed up in a gym locker? Go let him out and apologize. In about five years, he's going to invent an app that will allow him to insert Swedish-language versions of "Lifetime" channel movies in the middle of your Monster Truck Pull telecast. And he'll get paid like a rock star to do it. Knowledge is power. And nerds rule.
Your music stinks. On toast. Your parents know this because they grew up in the 70's. Disco and hair bands. Your parents know bad music like Ahab knew whales (Google it. There is no way you'll have read it.). Still need more evidence? OK, all together now, "YYYYY M C A." By the way, you know that's not in alphabetical order, right? Just checking.
Keep the door open. Your parents know what's going on. They were young once. In fact, they're not so old now, which is why they want to know the run time of the movie and if you and your friends are going to stop and get something to eat before heading home. Curfew: It's not just about public safety.
Dads, you can fool. Moms, well, here's a hint. If your mother calls you, out of the blue, asking where you are, chances are good she already knows. And she's already done her homework and is aware that, despite what you might emphatically tell her, your school is not letting everyone leave campus to celebrate "Cinco de April 22nd." In fact, she's probably in the driveway outside the fast-food restaurant you're sitting in right now, next to your car, which you managed to park diagonally in a parking spot. Drop the burrito, keep your hands in plain sight and come out slowly. Don't make her use the bullhorn.
Once we can probably live with. Twice, and that would-be rioter in Baltimore? He's going to be looking at the YouTube video of you and saying, "oooohhh, that's embarrassing."
About your clothes. Yes, it's too tight. It's too short. It plunges too low. No, you don't have "the guns" to wear a tank top, particularly to your cousin's church wedding. And if you have to ask, you probably already know the answer.
I'm sure you're thinking your parents are prudes. However, in your father's keepsake bin is a picture of him during a college party. Prominent features of the photo are a bushy mustache you had no idea he had actually grown, a very loud Hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat that appears to be desperately in need of riding off into the sunset.
On that day, for no apparent good reason, your father was sure he looked pretty hot. He now knows much better. At this point, you may think your parents are infringing on your style. Actually, they're saving you from yourself. You're welcome.
Yours is not the greatest love ever. That's not the first time that's been done. That was not the funniest thing in history. Your friendships won't transcend time and space. But it's OK if you think so. And who, knows, maybe I'm wrong.
Your parents miss you. And not just later on when you're off to college or the big, wide world. For the first 10 years of your life, they couldn't get you out of their bed at night. Now they can't get you to unplug long enough to have dinner with them. So, you might give that a try. Dinner. Not the bed thing, 'cause you snore.
And remember, you're special. Just like the hundreds of people you see wandering the halls of your school every day, and the hundreds that were there before them, and the hundreds before them.
OK, maybe that didn't come out as encouraging as I wanted it to.
Commentary on 05/01/2015