Commentary

The joys of children

Logistics challenges never fade

Once, during a moment of frustration over the many challenges of child-rearing (say, any time in the mid-1980s to, oh, right now), I asked my dad if raising kids got any easier.

He said no, but it did get different.

Now that I have the advantage of being somewhat in the home stretch of the parenting game (at least as far as having the progeny at home, Lord willing), I have noticed one significant way it is different. It's the logistics.

They haven't gotten any easier. They have, however, gotten, well, you know.

Once upon a time, back before the Lovely Mrs. Smith and I had children (and yes, I can remember that far back, but it's basically a foggy and perhaps false memory. Like your first moments of life, or, in my case, Monday's lunch), when we wanted to go somewhere, the process looked like this.

We got in the car and went somewhere.

We also slept late on Saturdays, ate at restaurants that featured more wine and less "Captain Crabby's Walking the Chicken Planks" and thought 3 a.m. feedings meant stopping in at a Waffle Hut on the way home.

Then, we had kids. And among all the things that changed was our ability to go anywhere quickly, if at all.

Once the progeny began showing up, a trip to the store that used to take about half an hour, tops, if we stopped for coffee along the way, suddenly looked like this:

• Make sure all the equipment (car seat(s), booster seat(s), large multi-kid stroller, smaller umbrella stroller (just in case you feel brave enough to break off on your own, which, by the way, never happens), diaper bag, bottle bag, backup diaper bag, clothes bag, toy bag, plush fluffy bunny that never goes in the toy bag and must be in plain sight at all times, pacifier, backup pacifier, backup to the backup pacifier) is loaded in the car or the support vehicle you'll be taking for the five-mile drive to the mall.

• Don't forget the wipes.

• That's not enough. Get more.

• Make sure the appropriate "Baby On Board" safety stickers are affixed to the appropriate windows just in case there's an accident and anyone looking in the vehicle has any question that there might be an infant in there.

• Finally ready to roll. You have more bags than you took to college (and almost as many bottles, but that's another story). Now, carefully head out, realizing you really can't see out the back window so you're hoping the flashing light on top of the vehicle is a sufficient warning.

• Pull back into the driveway, go back into the house and get the baby. Easy mistake to make.

Now, with most of the kids on their own and the only one at home completely mobile, coordinating an event like, say, Father's Day, moves in an entirely new direction:

• First off, negotiations as to the date, place and menu have to begin at least six months before the actual event and involve all parties, plus their agents and a mediator flown in from Washington, D.C., or perhaps the Vatican. And we're not even Catholic, but we will occasionally argue just to keep in practice.

• Now that the basics have been agreed to ... wait, what am I saying? The basics are never agreed to. Plans remain "fluid" up to the second an event takes place, if not after. And all plans are subject to the approval of girlfriends/boyfriends/bosses/co-workers who suddenly need someone to cover a shift/the "kinetic" nature of the previous evening/the inability to adequately anticipate just how long it takes to drive a route that's been driven roughly 1,000 times before/sudden offers to do something perceived to be more fun like go to the lake, and the delicate meal/nap timing that will keep any grandchildren from turning into cute, blue-eyed, blonde versions of Attila the Hun.

• And then, of course, there is the time you've had to spend being compelled to provide insights on clothing options (which consist, basically of, "that looks great. OK, that looks great, as well. Wait, what was I thinking? That looks so much better than the other choices, it really looks ... great! OK, isn't that the first one? Wow, it sure does look great.")/having your clothing options changed (those don't match?)/ finding the keys/getting the stupid dogs to quit running into each other long enough to come into the house/finding your sunglasses/finding someone else's sunglasses/locking doors/checking to make sure you locked the doors/looking for the keys you put down while you were looking for sunglasses/finding and loading all the mail or packages or food or leftover laundry or whatever else was left at your house that actually belongs at someone else's house or apartment/actually driving to wherever folks were allegedly going to meet.

• You're still early. Because, well, because.

It won't always be like that, of course. Sooner or later, they get married, have children of their own and are much more dependable when it comes to scheduling (read: they'll do anything as long as someone will help them with the kids while it's going on and they don't have to do it at their homes).

And as soon as you start having a family, holidays and events become much more about "family" and less about friends and some of that other stuff.

So we can count on them being at everything we've planned. Just as soon as they can pack all the equipment, and the diaper bags and the bottles and find that @#$^& plush fluffy bunny.

Commentary on 06/26/2015

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