I may have discovered the biggest areas of distress newcomers to our region may experience while driving our byways and highways.
No, it's not our general lack of adequate infrastructure. I mean, sure, the highway system is just peachy keen and there are plenty of uncrowded roads where you come from. And how are things in Albania, anyway?
The biggest problem, or at least the one most frequently mentioned by new residents I'm in contact with, can best be summed up by the paraphrasing of an old joke.
Q: Why does the possum/raccoon/squirrel/rabbit/armadillo/skunk cross the road?
A: No one has any idea because, apparently, it's never been done.
We run over animals pretty regularly around here. In fact, we kill more animals with our cars accidentally than Buffalo Bill did on purpose.
Through no fault of our own and very little fault of theirs, all things considered, the whole "circle of life" thing gets kicked into high gear in the spring when numerous woodland creatures shake off the icy bonds of winter and venture out, apparently forgetting that where the grass ends, the SUV's begin.
The dynamics of the place play into this a lot. We're a growing area, but the line between "urban" and "rural" is still pretty fuzzy around here. And it's frequently littered with the remains of animals who didn't quite get the memo when that line moved.
My own daily commute takes me through enough pastureland and woods that I'm often " treated" to several not-exactly PG, non-Disney visions of our local wildlife. Unless, of course, you're referring to one of Disney's lesser-known cartoons, "Bambi's Friends All Get Tagged by a Mini Van."
I'm going to let that image sink in for a bit. So read your newspaper over breakfast, do you? Here's hoping it's not scrambled eggs and sausage.
It's pretty safe to say the vast majority of us don't like hitting animals with autos. And if you do, well, first off, that's sick and I'm just fine if you stop reading right now and don't return. Second, there's such a thing as karma, and it's not what you're trying to use to run over a dogma.
The sane among us are pretty upset when we do go bump in the night (or any other time) with animals.
My youngest son returned from work shortly after getting his driver's license noticeably upset because he'd hit a skunk on the way home. It didn't take long before most of the folks on our end of the neighborhood were equally as upset, since the vehicle was parked outside in our driveway. Not exactly a gift that keeps on giving.
Of course, he may come by this slight overreaction to the unpleasant interaction between the animal and automotive worlds naturally.
My mother's one and only driving lesson was brought to a (literally) screeching halt when my older sister, who, at the time was about 5 or 6, stood looking over the front seat (yep, definitely a different time: seat belts optional) and yelled "Mommy, look out for that cat!"
Now, a note: according to at least one of the people in the car (my father), if there was a cat in the road (and chances are likely there wasn't), it was so far away it had a better chance of dying of old age before the car my mom was driving got near it.
However, my mother did the only sane thing a person (well, my mom, anyway) can do when confronted with the possibility of hitting a probably imaginary cat located in the next county, if anywhere at all. She screamed, slammed on the brakes, swerved off the road, over a curb and into a neighbor's rhododendron bush.
Another note here: I'm not sure my dad actually knew what a rhododendron bush looked like, or was certain that was the bush she drove into. He did, however, understand that specificity tends to make a story more vivid. And he was very certain about the cost of the new tire and repairs to the car's front end. And that driving definitely wasn't a skill my mom had in her toolbox.
As for the imaginary cat, well, apparently it was just fine. And still imaginary.
As to our local concern, all I can tell newcomers is that, well, things do seem to settle down in the summer. By then, apparently, either nature has taken its course or all the slow ones have already been hit. That's kind of Darwinian, but, there it is.
Until then, we all just do the best we can to avoid traumatizing the children or really messing up the bumper. Like I tell the kids, be careful, look both ways and don't be surprised if you get surprised by something you saw at a science fair or petting zoo trying to dart across the road. "Dart" being a relative term when it comes to skunks and possums.
And do try to keep out of the rhododendrons.
Commentary on 06/05/2015