In light of all I read about promulgating endless regulations to further restrict individual liberties, here are my suspicions how a morning in the life of Washington, D.C., bureaucrats might go.
It's a Tuesday afternoon. After all, Mondays are so taxing for scheduled meetings inside the rarefied atmosphere of the Beltway. Besides, most everyone comes in late on Monday from weekend festivities. And any group of closet political activists (all receiving well in excess of six-figure incomes from our grossly overspent tax bucket) must be razor-sharp when it comes to formulating endless streams of new rules and regulations to impose on the people they serve (chuckle).
The assistant to the associate vice administrator calls the gathering to order as silk-suited wonks settle into comfortably padded chairs arranged around a polished mahogany conference table. To one side, fresh Colombian coffee brews along with chai tea. Assorted iced beverages and pastries from Georgetown's finest bakery are spread on a corner table.
Our first order of business is the idea to regulate yet another viable American business plumb out of existence. Any previously gathered input from the actual citizens affected by this regulation rests in a file on another table.
"So, any thoughts about enforcing our latest piece of hard work?" asks the assistant to the associate. One wag leaps into the conversation: "Let's fine them $1,000 a day until they comply with what we compel! It's no skin off our hide. Besides, these so-called citizens who mock our regulations need to understand we mean business."
A round of what's best described as polite golf claps follows. Another wonk adds: "To heck with 1,000 dollars! Let's make it an even five grand. That'll really teach 'em." One colleague flashes a thumbs up.
"A show of hands please," says the leader. "All who want to soak 'em five thousand a day raise those palms high." The vote's unanimous.
Our critical agency hereby decrees yet another regulation. "So let it be written. So let it be done," adds the table's leader. "Yet again, we justify our position and salaries."
The assistant to the associate moves to the second item. With federal regulatory control over the nation's water already a done deal, the latest regulation proposes to make all soil and dirt in America subject to enforcement action by the U.S. Department of Dirt.
"We all know how critical it is to have good dirt in our country," the leader explains. "Without good red, black and brown dirt, we don't have crops or trees, earthworms or grass, for gosh sakes. It's become clear to those of us in this room that Americans continually act irresponsibly, even recklessly, when it comes to digging dirt.
"This means we must act to bring them in line. The proposed regulation before us is to excessively fine and make miserable the life of any American who digs dirt anywhere without express permission and sanction from the Department of Dirt and its 12,000 inspectors."
Several hands shoot up. "But, but, if we're going to regulate dirt, shouldn't we also force Americans to purchase what in our mind seems to be the right equipment for them to be using?" one asks.
"A valid point, Homer. Add Homer's grand idea to our list," the leader smiles.
A female public servant clad in a fashionable Neiman Marcus business suit speaks up. "And shouldn't we find some way to tax the amount of dirt anyone moves on their own property for any reason, like digging a backyard vegetable garden or planting flowers?"
"Another fine idea. Thank you, Claudine," the leader grins. "You and Homer are bucking for a big bonus this quarter, aren't ya? We sure need lots more like you two."
The assistant to the associate nods toward a stenographer, asking her to make certain to transcribe every word since he's about to travel.
"As you may know," he continued, "I'll be away for the next five months on a fact-finding mission to discover how regulations are promulgated in Cuba, Venezuela and the former Soviet Union, so I'll be leaving the dirt-moving regulations in your capable hands to get things finalized. We need to continue making certain the businesses and citizens of our nation are acting in strict accordance with our wishes. But I don't have to tell you chosen few with such big and exhaustive jobs, do I?"
Everyone smiles. Yes, of course each knew the process. They understood just how important they believed their role as de facto parents and disciplinary overseers of this democratic republic of representative government had become. And thank the God of regulations, all without consequence to them.
"Now, before we wrap up what's been a particularly exhaustive session today, I'd like to congratulate Perciful over there on his new position on the staff of Sen. I.M. Earelavant where Percy will become the liaison to our agency for the senator and his various committees that often ask us to testify before them," the assistant to the associate added.
"And as we know, all senators and congressmen come and go, but we remain, always busy and generating the necessary hurdles for society, which means we may well be welcoming Percy back amongst us after the next election cycle."
Mike Masterson's column appears regularly in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. Email him at [email protected].
Editorial on 07/25/2015