I was watching the Women's World Cup finals the other day (because I'm nothing if not patriotic, particularly when we're beating the bejeezus out of someone else. Preferable a former member of the Soviet bloc, but opponents from any world war are good, too.). As I watched, I realized two very valuable points.
The first is that I don't really know or understand the rules of soccer. I've got the basic premise; ball, net, kick it in and hug a lot. However, the subtleties (and by that I mean ANYTHING beyond the "ball, net, kick" deal) are lost on me.
For instance, what is "stoppage time" and how do they determine it? I'd like to think there's an official who tracks that sort of thing or, at least a big wheel someone spins, but since FIFA is involved, I'm guessing somehow money changes hands.
Anyway, the second thing I realized was that not knowing the rules didn't appear to adversely affect my enjoyment of the game. Perhaps that was because Carli Lloyd and the rest of the team were opening a big ole' can of whip-youknowwhat on the Japanese. I mean, really, who doesn't like it when a team from the USA administers a good, old-fashioned, Mom-and-apple pie beatdown? OK, besides the rest of the world. Like that matters. It's not our fault you weren't born here.
In fact, I think not knowing the rules might actually have added to my enjoyment. I mean, when you don't know the rules, you can't sit there spotting probably imaginary infractions you're sure are an indication the fix is in and your team is getting the shaft. Ignorance is, pretty much, bliss. Especially when compounded by seeing your team hand out a whoopin' even Sepp Blatter couldn't bribe his way out of.
All of which made me think. There are, frankly, so many things in life I really don't understand, but I keeping breezing along, acting like I do. Or, if I don't understand them, at least they make sense.
So, flush with victory and, perhaps, the fact that it's 90 degrees and my AC isn't working all that well, I have a few confessions to make.
For instance, I have no idea what a "mil" is. This comes up, periodically, when the schools decide they need more money and they propose a "millage increase." When I was younger, I presumed this has something to do with making bread. Then I got older, bought a house and discovered, no, that wasn't the case.
My friends at Google tell me a mil is actually 1/1000th of a cent. Why people who are trying to raise your taxes don't just say that, I don't know. Or maybe I do.
I also don't exactly know what "the Cloud " is, or how to use it. It could be some kind of method for storing information so your computer doesn't get full. Could be Skynet. Whatever it is, for me, it's sort of like "the farm" is to pets. Namely, the place where things go and don't return.
It is, however, the place where I should have been putting all my photos, music, contacts and other important stuff. At least that's what the kid with multiple facial piercings, blue hair and a neck tattoo told me after I jumped in the pool with my phone in my pocket and then brought it to him in a bag of rice. Another thing I don't really understand.
I also can't really tell you what a balk looks like. Oh, I know what It is, and in the interest of not bogging down in baseball minutia, I'm not going to describe it. But in truth, I'm not sure I've ever been able to recognize it. At least not as well as the guy sitting next to me who starts hollering every time a pitcher throws to first. More of that "ignorance of the rules adds to the enjoyment of the game" thing.
Now, before I sell myself short, there are a few important things I do know.
I know it's "lefty loosey, righty tighty." I don't know exactly what that applies to, but that's what it is.
I know a group of apes is a "shrewdness," and a group of hippos is a "crash." And people say I'm not fun at a party.
I know if you hang an American flag upside down, it's a sign of distress. And if you hang a Confederate battle flag upside down, you're still just kidding yourself.
I also know that every now and then, something in the world happens and I just get to sit back and enjoy it without wallowing too much in all the gory details. Like when a bunch of really good American athletes play for our country and win. And then jump around and wave our flag and celebrate.
So, thanks, U.S. Women's Soccer Team. I may not be 100 percent sure what you just did, but I'm sure happy you did it. And that I certainly understand.
Commentary on 07/10/2015