Spin Cycle

Strapped for answers, we racked our brains to fill this list

Jamie Dornan (left) and Dakota Johnson star in Fifty Shades of Grey.
Jamie Dornan (left) and Dakota Johnson star in Fifty Shades of Grey.

We use our gray matter to find 50 positive things about the experience of seeing bondage/domination film Fifty Shades of Grey that have nothing to do with sex.

Warning: Contains plot spoilers! As if anyone who sees Fifty Shades of Grey cares about the plot.

1. You will have lots of company in the theater. Movie site Fandago reported Arkansas was second in the nation for ticket presales; No. 1 was Mississippi.

2. Finally Mississippi and Arkansas made the top of a list.

3. Prior to Fifty Shades of Grey, there's a tease for Magic Mike XXL. Wow, take a look at their ... dancing.

4. Fifty Shades is based on a book. Three of 'em. Books are a good thing (even if we heard that these books we couldn't be bothered to read were 50 shades of bad).

5. Prior to the movie, there's also a preview of Cinderella, a movie in which the only clothing a gal sheds is a slipper.

6. Fifty Shades begins with the wonderful Annie Lennox version of "I Put A Spell On You." Even if her song "Sweet Dreams" ("Some of them want to abuse you/Some of them want to be abused") would have been a better fit.

7. This movie is about Christian values. No wait, it's about a guy named Christian with questionable values. Our bad.

8. Christian Grey (played by the sculpted-of-abs Jamie Dornan after at least one better-known actor dropped out) has an organized closet. Making it the only clean thing in this movie.

9. Christian jogs. That's healthy.

10. He also accessorizes well. Borrowing from Steel Magnolias, "The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize."

11. Speaking of steel, Anastasia Steele is the female lead. She's in college, maintaining a 4.0 GPA. Fifty Shades stresses education.

12. Anastasia, played by Dakota Johnson, is the daughter of thespians Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith. Remember all their great movies together? Paradise (1991) and Born Yesterday (1993)? Neither do we, but rating site Rotten Tomatoes does. And they scored even worse than Fifty Shades.

13. Anastasia (Ana) drives a fairly fuel-efficient and green-friendly old Volkswagen Beetle.

14. You can punch-buggy the person next to you.

15. Ana is a very natural no-makeup, low-maintenance beauty. That will serve her well later, when things get, well, sweaty.

16. At age 27, Christian is chief executive officer of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc., a global leader in communications technology. Still, Ana carries a flip phone long into the film -- he can't hook up his hook-up with a newer device?

17. Christian's early success could inspire filmgoers to pursue a leadership position. It's a sweet gig -- he's got a posh penthouse, multiple luxury cars, a helicopter and never does any work.

18. Ana interviews Christian for the school newspaper when her roommate is sick (although she looks miraculously well in the next scene when she pumps Ana for details). How generous.

19. Christian helps Ana up when she falls. How chivalrous.

20. During their interview, he drops the word "incentivize" Incentivize: v. provide (someone) with an incentive for doing something (source: Merriam-Webster.com). Try using that in a sentence today.

21. Also, he shares, "I enjoy various physical pursuits." We're positive he means cross-training.

22. Ana works in a hardware store. Way to fight gender stereotypes ... the same ones that will be reinforced the rest of the movie, as she's bound with rope purchased at said store.

23. Ana and Christian meet for coffee. Coffee "incentivizes" by containing antioxidants and boosting brain function.

24. Christian gives Ana, a British literature enthusiast, first-edition books. He's promoting literacy.

25. Christian immediately shows up to pick up Ana when she's been drinking. So he's a total stalker, but he's the helpful sort of the designated driver variety.

26. Wait, did Ana's phone have a dial tone sound when he hung up on her? Wireless phones don't make that noise. A shallow storyline makes it easy to appreciate such goofs.

27. Christian holds back her hair when she gets sick and passes out. It's nice to see him be so nurturing ... even if he smacks her around later.

28. He then brings her breakfast. That's the most important meal of the day -- if you're hung over.

29. We get a helicopter tour of Seattle -- look, the Space Needle! -- at night when Christian takes Ana to his place.

30. He wants her to sign a nondisclosure agreement. In this day of oversharing via social media, that's kind of unnerving, I mean refreshing.

31. Who knew? Serious Christian Grey has a cheerful, whimsical side! He has a playroom! But no air hockey or foosball table?

32. The movie inspires critical analysis. Like when Ana's body is exposed and someone calls out: "She's got some hairy legs!"

33. They shower together. Good hygiene is paramount.

34. Christian is resourceful, finding all sorts of different uses for a necktie.

35. Christian has a good relationship with his mom, who barges in unannounced at inopportune times.

36. No, actually, that's his adoptive mother (we'll find out later he has biological mommy issues; she was a crack addict and a prostitute). Yay for adoption!

37. Then again, his adoptive mother's friend seduced (read: molested) him at age 15, made him her submissive while she was his dominant. And now he can't function in a healthy, equal relationship. Yay for adoption?

38. Ana graduates. She can put her education to use studying the contract Christian gives her, requiring her to be his slave, in exchange for room and board and a new computer and a new car (but no new phone?).

39. The contract forbids smoking and drinking to excess. Moderation in all things, except, well, we're not going to talk about those things.

40. Beyonce music (a new steamy version of "Crazy in Love") is featured.

41. Therefore Kayne West will not make a sudden outburst.

42. Speaking of outbursts, expect chuckling -- nervous and outright -- throughout the movie. We've been to comedies with less laughing.

43. Christian plays the piano. And you can too, with the sheet music Fifty Shades Of Grey: Classical Selections Arranged For Piano, available at Amazon.com. Perfect for any kid's piano recital.

44. The London Fire Brigade, which has seen an increase of handcuff emergencies since the books came out, has taken to Twitter, urging safety when attempting Fifty Shades-esque friskiness: "Tip to help people avoid getting stuck in tricky situations: If it doesn't look safe, it probably isn't, so don't do it! #fiftyshadesofred."

45. Wait, you mean people want to go home and get freaky after this film? After two long, dragging hours, I just wanted -- yawn -- a nap ... zzzzzz. I woke up to the friend who secured us screening tickets (shout out to Danny-Joe Crofford and the Chenal Promenade) announcing, "Man, I'm sick of seeing her naked."

46. In this regard, the movie with its repetitive, boring brand of nudity reminds me of the awesomely bad Showgirls. What if, instead of having her career take off, Dakota Johnson becomes the next Elizabeth Berkley? Well, Dakota, there's always Dancing With the Stars.

47. Still, taking in $248.7 million its first weekend, the movie set a record for biggest international opening of an R-rated film. You can say it, uh, whipped the competition.

48. The movie is 125 minutes long. At least it's not 126.

49. But for those who didn't get enough, there will be another film, Fifty Shades Darker.

50. And another, Fifty Shades Freed.

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Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.

Style on 02/22/2015

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