Q I have been going through a divorce for four years. There's a lot of financial stuff and my ex is dragging his feet, so I've moved on to another relationship. My ex is demanding that my children not be around my boyfriend. I want to cooperate, but he moved in with me six months ago. I didn't tell my ex because he is so jealous and has a terrible temper. The kids live with us half the time, and we are all happy. Now that my ex has found out, his request seems ridiculous. What's good ex-etiquette?
A Honoring an ex's request, if possible, is always the best ex-etiquette, but asking for the next to impossible doesn't make it easy. There's no law that controls with whom you live, and as much as exes feel they can dictate their ex's behavior, they really can't. Of course, the ideal situation would be to have a final divorce decree prior to moving on, but you say the time component made that difficult. Demanding now that the children not associate with your boyfriend seems impossible -- especially if you have lived together for six months.
That said, parents have a right to know with whom their children live. You should have informed Dad prior to your boyfriend moving in. It sounds like you didn't because you were afraid of Dad's reaction. That doesn't matter. Ex-etiquette rule No. 8 is "Be honest and straightforward." Not telling Dad put your kids right in the middle and forced them to lie to their father for the last six months. It wasn't fair to put them in that position, and it undermined Dad. If he has a bad temper, the children will shy away from him all by themselves. It's not good ex-etiquette to help it along by lying to your ex and asking your children to support the lie.
When children go back and forth between their parents' homes, they must be able to freely discuss their time at each home. If you are telling your children not to discuss what goes on in your home, you are asking them not to discuss half their life. Think about that. It's not fair to anyone.
This is when exes start talking about "privacy." Everyone wants "privacy." Truth is, if you are sharing the kids equally and doing it right, there will be very little privacy. And, if your 4-year-old comes home with horrible stories about Mommy or Daddy, check with Mommy or Daddy before calling a lawyer or Child Protective Services. Odds are they are telling you a story through a child's eyes -- or a teenager's eyes. Both can be questionable.
Finally, there are degrees of "bad tempers." If your children are in danger of physical abuse, that is when you call Child Protective Services. Otherwise, divorced parents have an obligation to support each other's efforts in successfully co-parenting their children. That's good ex-etiquette.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
Family on 08/26/2015