Commentary: Healthy Choices Not All Hair-Raising

I was informed the other day that, according to Michael Kors (famous fashion designer; thank you, Google), this is the Year of the Man.

Which is funny, because I thought it was the Year of the Horse. At least that's what I've been writing on all my checks. Which also explains all the eye-rolling from my bank teller. But I digress ...

Anyway, according to Kors, this is the year men start thinking about themselves and making decisions with their health, happiness, well-being and appearance in mind. Apparently, this differs in some as-to-be-determined way from the manner in which we normally operate. Because, sure, that bass boat was a gift to the entire family. As were the golf clubs. And the home beer-making kit.

So, if Kors is to be believed, the next time someone's significant other pauses during what has become a one-sided "discussion" of the cultural impact of the Kardashians or just when the air filters were changed last and asks, "what are you thinking about?" she should be prepared for an answer somewhere along the lines of, "I was thinking about growing a Van Dyke (whatever that is), when I should schedule a spa day and buying a man purse."

To which she will likely reply, "I liked it better when the answer to that was 'football.'"

Now I mention all this because last weekend marked the beginning of "Movember," the month when men all over the world are asked to give up shaving in an effort to raise awareness for men's health issues. When I was younger, this went by a different name -- "deer season."

We also need to stop for a minute and mention that, for most men, the idea of not shaving in an effort to show support for anything isn't exactly an "ice bucket challenge" experience.

It's sort of like being told that, in an effort to raise awareness for some issue, you'll have to wear your stretchy-pant sweats and your favorite flannel shirt everywhere, including work and church.

Oh, the humanity.

I might have been a lot more on board with this idea earlier in my life, when my evenings were, shall we say, a little more kinetic than they are now. In those days, shaving often meant dragging an incredibly sharp object mere inches from my jugular with a hand more unsteady than the Middle East. And getting involved with that wasn't exactly a good idea, either.

Now it's just that kind of annoying thing we're all excited about abandoning until Day 15. That's when we realize that, while shaving is uncomfortable/unpleasant for about five minutes, tiny little itchy hairs are uncomfortable/unpleasant all day and well into the night.

I was also on board with the whole "Movember" thing last year. At least I was until I came to realize that the grey hair on one's head tends to translate to the grey hair in one's beard. I also discovered I'm not exactly the only one with the vote as to what goes on with my face. Just a little FYI here: Sofas sure are comfortable places on which to nap, but they leave a little to be desired as a long-term nighttime destination.

This time around, while I proudly support and honor all those who have elected to go hirsute in an effort to make us all think more about our health, I'm going to try something a little different, at least for my family. I'm going to actually, you know, do something about my health.

First stop is I've scheduled a colonoscopy, because while that sounds like a gigantic pain in the, well, you know, both my doctor and the Lovely Mrs. Smith have been on my, well, you know, for years to get it done.

And if you think a colonoscopy sounds unpleasant, imagine what you'd think about colon cancer.

So while it's great to show support for men's health issues, I urge others of my gender to consider going a little farther than just not shaving. Yearly checkups, with whole prostate thing. Blood pressure checks. Take a walk. Throw in a salad. Let's be, in the immortal words of Seattle running back Marshawn Lynch, "just about that action, Boss."

By the way, a Van Dyke is a style of beard that combines a mustache with a goatee, but features cleanly shaved cheeks. The biggest options appear to be handlebar mustache versus plain and beard versus soul patch.

No. Just....no.

GARY SMITH IS A RECOVERING JOURNALIST LIVING IN ROGERS.

Commentary on 11/06/2014

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