It's spring, and a young man's thoughts turn to, well, I'm not sure I remember.
I mean, it's been about 30 years, give or take, since I was a young man. But a middle-aged man's thoughts turn to the fact the expanse of weeds, bald spots and scattered limbs that passed for a backyard all winter probably isn't going to pass muster with the Lovely Mrs. Smith.
With that in mind, let me give you the major topics you'll need to cover now it's officially Spring Cleanup Time.
• Yard Work -- The reason you had kids in the first place.
However, there's a catch.
For the first part of your child's life, he will want to mow the lawn or use the weed eater or trim the bushes or any and all of the "big people" stuff he sees you doing. However, he can't, mostly because it would incredibly irresponsible parenting to turn a 5-year-old loose with a really sharp blade attached to a motor.
Later, when he is, frankly, more able than even you to mow the lawn or use the weed eater or trim the bushes, he will approach any or all of that with enthusiasm usually reserved for time spent on a Georgia chain gang. With far less impressive blues music.
So, if you're lucky, you've have about 15 minutes when your child's ability to do yard work intersects with his or her desire to do yard work. Let's hope none of you are asleep during that time.
• Mulch -- You know, they said one day I'd use geometry.
But did I really need to sit through an entire year of tangents and cosigns and the Pythagorean Theorem just so I could figure out how many square feet of something will fit in a round flower bed? Talk about asking someone the time and having them tell you how to make a watch.
Let me save you the D-minus and give you the three rules for determining how much mulch you're going to need.
Rule No. 1: How much can you fit in your car, if you let the seats down, leave the spare in the parking lot and make the kids ride home on the luggage rack? You'll need at least one more bag.
Rule No. 2: Use all your math skills, a calculator, all your fingers and toes and an abacus you happen to find in the toy closet to reach a total. Double it and add two, because, what are you, Albert Einstein?
Rule No. 3: Hire someone to do it. In fact, that might be the answer to any question concerning yard work.
• Snakes -- It's way too early for them.
No, it's not. It's never too early. I don't care if there's 5 feet of snow on the ground, they're out there, somewhere, just stalking you, waiting to pounce or at least show themselves and give you a heart attack. You have to find them and killthemkillthemKILLTHEM!
Whew! OK, that could be a "me" problem.
• The grass is always greener where you don't want it to be.
I watched them pour the sidewalk in front of my house, and, frankly, I thought they were a little aggressive with the concrete. I'm talking bomb shelter/Egyptian tomb/"So that's where they buried Jimmy Hoffa" aggressive. Even given that, I could go out there right now and find grass poking up through the cracks.
There's a bare spot on the side of house, sheltered from wind, with plenty of sunshine, fertile soil, water and all that other stuff grass is supposed to like. We've added dirt so rich it looks down its nose at Donald Trump and grass the groundskeepers at Busch Stadium wish they could have in the outfield. We water it every day with pure European spring water flown in from a glacier in Norway while strumming a lyre and crooning songs celebrating nature. Or something like that.
It's deader than a bucket of chicken. OK, Mother Nature, at this point, you're just messing with me.
• There's a reason they call it "Dirt Therapy." But not the reason you think.
See, the phrase "dirt therapy" implies there is some calming, restorative quality to getting covered in sweat, muck and blisters while performing ridiculously hard manual labor and spending hard-earned money on things that will happily curl up and die or, in the case of a rose bush we had, attack you any time you walk by.
I, on the other hand, have another idea. Anyone who would do all that, knowing he's going to have to do it all again in a week, needs to have his head examined.
GARY SMITH IS A RECOVERING JOURNALIST LIVING IN ROGERS.
Commentary on 05/08/2014