This. Just. Happened.
I'm in Los Angeles, minding my business and wearing a crop top that reveals my perfectly sculpted abdominal muscles, when who do I meet but Kim Kardashian! I fix her fashion disaster, and before I know it, my new BFF invites me to a bar and her Beverly Hills mansion, books me photo shoots, introduces me to a manager -- who schedules more photo shoots!
This all while jetting off to Miami and then off to my birthday party (in a new dress, thanks Kim!) in Las Vegas, canoodling with a star athlete, interacting with the paparazzi, throwing a drink on a wannabe star who claims I flirted with her boyfriend (guilty!), moving into a luxury condo, securing bunches of social media mentions and fans, and buying a whole bunch of new outfits!
Can you believe it?
You can't? When did you realize it was a fantasy? At the Vegas birthday party? Oh, it was the perfectly sculpted abs.
Hooray for Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, a game where the goal is being just like Kim: Make a sex tape; get married multiple times; get divorced after 72 days; and become a baby mama.
I mean be famous and fabulous.
Go ahead and pretend you're not playing Glu Mobile's game -- available as a free app (the No. 1 free app on iTunes at press time) to download on one's smartphone or tablet -- even if the $200 million (!) the game is projected to make this year, according to Bloomberg, suggests otherwise. I'll play along.
Um, speaking of playing along, maybe you can friend me and we can become game mates? A girl has got to "network," "meet and greet," "chit chat" "schmooze" and "mingle" (actual reward-earning tasks in the game) if she's ever going to get off the D-list!
Oh, wait, maybe I'm not even on the D-list yet? I better fly back to Hollywood and meet with my publicist after this nightclub promotional appearance. Noooo, I'm out of energy again! Which means I have to wait a while to play or pay at least $4.99 for more.
So much for the "free" app. One has just enough time to kustomize her kharacter and get hooked before her energy bolts begin to vanish. Hey, checking makeup (3 bolts), smiling with your eyes (2 bolts) and holding that pose (8 bolts) are very demanding! When one's energy is exhausted, a player must sit out for a while or use her real money to buy some Kardashian kurrency that can be exchanged for more vigor. Can't a depleted diva just pop some QuickTrim -- that real-life herbal supplement endorsed by Kardashian, at least before that klass action suit?
Speaking of klass, a player desperate to settle her rent, or more likely shop for her new earrings, quickly learns that she can find a few extra bucks by hitting up the game's newspaper dispensers (not kool, Kim), fire hydrants and bar wine bottles.
And for what? All so one can spend hours tapping and swiping a screen (that's all the action involved) in the hopes of becoming a cyber celebrity, all while losing real money and real contact with the world?
Korrect. That and wearing kute cyber klothes.
It's absurdly boring but habit-forming. Just like Keeping Up With the Kardashians. And Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami. And Kourtney and Kim Take New York. And Kourtney and Kim Take Miami. And the inevitable Kourtney and Khloe Take the Hamptons, scheduled to air in September.
Hey, by then I might be C-list!
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Style on 07/29/2014