By now, the Season of Light, the Season of Joy, the Season of Wonder has given way to the Season of “We’re Going to Whip This Place Into Shape.” That’s in keeping with the standard “Get More Organized” New Year’s resolution, and is, unfortunately, the only one that doesn’t seem to get ignored right around Jan. 3.
So, in the interest of helping you out (since “be nice” was one of my New Year’s resolutions, and I haven’t been behind someone ordering for the whole office and the state of Vermont in the drive through at my favorite coffee shop nearly enough times to break it yet) here are some helpful hints for home cleanup, specifically in cleaning out old drawers and desks. For the rest of it, you’re on your own.
You have a lot of power cords. They come in lots of colors and lengths and have strange, somewhat scary-looking ends on them. They probably were used to connect things you don’t own any more to other things. You’re not sure. Your wife will ask you what these cords are for. You will say, “they connect things to other things.” Depending on how long you all have been married and/or how long you all have been working on cleaning up the house, she will either nod her head like this is actual technical wisdom or make a mental note that you have confirmed, once again, her opinion that you are an idiot.
You will throw all of these cords away, since you certainly have no further use for them.
In six months, you will realize No. 2 isn’t true.
You will find a stash of batteries. You will determine that “are these batteries good or bad?” isn’t an existential question. You will try to determine if they are any good by putting them in a flashlight. You will then be faced with the dilemma of determining whether the batteries are bad or the cheap flashlight doesn’t work. You will realize this part of your life is a Fellini movie. You will throw the batteries and the flashlights away, promising to get new ones the next time you’re at the store. When the thunderstorms hit in early spring and the power goes out, you will realize you haven’t done this.
You will find stacks of unidentified CDs and VHS tapes. You will have no idea what is on them, or whether you even have a device that can play them. You will realize that once you viewed these things with the awe those monkeys showed when they saw the black monolith in “2001: A Space Odyssey.” You will also realize your children are viewing these things like the blacksmith shop at Silver Dollar City. “Now what did you do with these things, exactly?”
You will find stacks of music CDs. You will wonder what ever happened to PM Dawn? You will realize that you, and everyone of a certain age reading this column, will spend the rest of the day snapping their fingers while singing “Die Without You.” You will resist, briefly, and then give in. Come on, everyone at the staff meeting, hands in the air … Is it my turn to wish you were lying here?…”
You will come to discover there is never, ever any money left on the gift cards you found in the drawer. They are not just like finding a $5 bill in your jacket pocket. They are like finding useless pieces of plastic (see earlier note about your flashlights). If there is any money, on them, they have expired. Or the local store has closed, the nearest one is in Montana, is only open between 10 a.m. and 3 p.m. on weekdays and doesn’t ship, have anything in your size or even answer the phone.
If given a stack of pictures, cards, letters or anything else to sort through, you will not get it done, mostly because you will decide to do it while watching a sporting event on TV. At some point, you will shove all that stuff back in the drawer, just like you did last year. Hopefully, you won’t leave cheese dip stains on anything important.
You will put all this stuff you’re not quite sure of in a pile. Say it numbers 10 things. You will go through it, and throw away exactly one thing. Within a few months, you acquire at least 10 more things. Next year, you will have a pile of 19 things, of which you will throw away one. This will go on forever. This is also how hoarders are born.
“Is there anything I would not do? Cause I’d die with you…(snap)…die without you…(snap)…die without you…”
GARY SMITH IS A RECOVERING JOURNALIST WHO LIVES IN ROGERS.
Opinion, Pages 5 on 01/30/2014