Dry Days Bring Extra Spark To Winter

COLUMNIST CUTS THROUGH STATIC

It’s the end of January and electricity is in the air.

More like in the hair if you ask me. Hey, I’m not having a bad fur day. Static cling is messing with my coat on these dry winter days.

That’s not the half of it. I walk across the carpet and into the kitchen. A whisker brushes the refrigerator door and zap! It’s the shock heard ’round the hovel.

You two-leggeds know what I’m talking about. You reach for the door knob and kapow! That little blue spark inflicts some high-voltage pain. You holler a four-letter word. I’m sure it’s “Ouch!”

It’s the same thing with the car door. Touch the handle and it’s like someone has hooked you to Hoover Dam with jumper cables.

Static electricity gets your attention on these low-humidity days, but there’s more. I don’t know about you, but my skin is dry. Pass me the Oil of Olay.

Plus, I’m thirsty all the time and catching grief from the cat butler about it.

Seems every time he walks by my water dish, it’s empty.

He’s good about filling it, but all I hear from the CB is, “Boat Dock, where do you put it?” He’s taken to calling me “Camel Boat Dock,” or “Camel Cat.”

Lately, he’s been prancing around the house going, “Hey Boat Dock. Guess what day it is? Guess what day it is?”

If I lived in a tepee instead of our shack-ri-la, my Indian name would be Tom Cat with Sloshing Belly.

I’m sure you readers have noticed that my columns are not only fine, they’re educational.

I’m tired of getting shocked on my half-hourly walks to the food dish, so I’ve done a little research on how to prevent it. I, Boat Dock, am happy to share some tips I’ve found.

Some are down right silly, like wearing aluminum foil on your shoes to discharge the electricity. Right, like I’m going out on yard patrol with Reynolds Wrap on my paws. I’d be the laughing stock of every chipmunk from here to Tulsa.

Here’s another kneeslapper: “Wear sandals made from old tire treads.” Sandals are just the shoes you want to wear when it’s 2 degrees and your pipes are freezing. Then again, I see humans wearing shorts when it’s cold enough to freeze an egg on the sidewalk.

Here are two ideas that make sense: Take out your car keys and touch a key to the door knob before you open it. I will, as soon as I learn how to drive.

The other is, wear a metal sewing thimble on your finger at all times and touch it to the door knob or car door. This could work. Plus you might land yourself a gig as the washboard player in a jug band.

Or, brush a knuckle across the door knob. You still get zapped but it hurts less.

Works for you. Show me a tom cat with knuckles.

Try this for a night of cheap entertainment: Turn off all the lights so it’s good and dark. Now pet your cat against the grain and watch that coat spark like the fireworks at Arvest Ballpark. This is my manservant’s idea of a big time, turning me into a fifth-grade science experiment.

Just call me AAA Boat Dock. I’m walking around with enough electricity to jump start a car.

BOAT DOCK IS FELINE OUTDOORS COLUMNIST FOR NWA MEDIA.

HIS COLUMN APPEARS WHEN HE FEELS LIKE WRITING ONE. WRITE TO BOAT DOCK ON FACEBOOK.

Outdoor, Pages 6 on 01/30/2014

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