Counting the pregame, the funny commercials and the halftime show, Super Bowl No. 48 - or as the Romans know it, XLVIII - amounts to one national enticement to slump like a slashed tire in front of a television set for … hours and hours.
Who even knows how long this thing lasts? Two hours? Three? Ten?
The Fox network’s game broadcast is set to begin at 5:30 p.m. Sunday and end at 9:30 p.m. But there’s also a pregame show at 1 p.m. (on Fox), and before that, pre-pregame shows, an awards show, retrospective rebroadcasts …. By switching the channel (to Fox Sports 1, say, or ESPN) a determined viewer could find Super Bowling reasons not to leave the living room beginning at 6 a.m. Saturday.
Even the most sedentary spud would have to roll about the house a few times during all that viewing. But it’s also possible to move more than a little without missing a play.
Treadmills! Fitness clubs line them up in front of banks of TV sets.
Or fans could strap on their smartphones to walk, skate, run, paddle a kayak while monitoring the game via AM radio, the Fox Sports Go app or, for Verizon customers, the NFL Mobile app.
But for those who prefer the ambience of their living rooms, ActiveStyle’s Ad Hoc Super Think Tank has devised a little game to play during the game that’s guaranteed to burn one or two calories (see note below).
Think of it as a sort of drinking game, without the drinking (except where noted).
PREPARATION
The Denver Broncos and Seattle Seahawks are scheduled to kick off at 5:25 p.m. Sunday in MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, N.J. Sometime before then, gather:
A football or other medium size ball
A deck of cards OR a bowl of little items such as marbles or buttons
A dishtowel
A glass of water
A buddy OR a telephone book
A pet OR a pillowHOW TO PLAY
Any time you observe any of the following events occurring on your television screen, do the activity described.
EVENTS
Opera
If an opera star sings the national anthem …
Holding the dishtowel in your free hand, stand at attention with your right hand over your heart. Sing along.
As soon as the singing stops, wave the dishtowel overhead and yell, “Play ball!”
Arm waving
If analysts gesticulate wildly while explaining something like zone defenses vs. nickel defenses vs. man-to-man coverage …
Mute the sound and imitate their arm motions.
First down
When either team gains 10 yards …
Flip the ball so it spins.
Touchdown
If your team scores a touchdown …
Dance. If you were a Bronco or a Seahawk, grace and dynamism could earn you a lucrative role on Dancing With the Stars, so flail those arms and legs, twerk, do grapevines or box steps.
The Beast
If any commentator calls Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch a beast or tells you that’s his nickname …
Find your pet and scratch it behind the ears. Or give that pillow a pat.
Review of a play
If either of the opposing coaches throws a red flag on the field …
Fling the deck of cards (marbles or buttons) into the air. Say, “Here we go.” Pick up every card.
Coaches can toss a red, challenge flag, when they disputea penalty or a play. This leads to a boring lapse in the action, during which the refs huddle over a TV screen and the play is replayed over and over and over. The long delay will be followed by a ref explaining, via microphone, the decision. He will go on and on, quoting the rule book.
You’ll have plenty of time to gather up the cards.
Beer commercial
If a beer commercial is shown …
Drink your glass of water. Refill it, because chances are you’ll see more than one beer ad during the evening.
Car commercial
If a car commercial is shown …
Stand up and try to balance the football on top of your head throughout the ad.
Archie Manning
If anyone mentions the father of Denver quarterback Peyton Manning …
Shout, “You know the old man is proud today.”
Cheerleaders
Any time the camera zeros in on a cheerleader …
Look left and right, then roll your eyes.
Interception
If your team intercepts a pass …
Stand up and hip bump your buddy. If you’re watching the game alone, smack your fanny with the telephone book.
If the opposing team intercepts that pass …
Do 10 kegels (look it up).
Extra point
While the kicker is preparing to send the pigskin flying through the uprights …
Leap to your feet and hold your arms up as though they were goalposts. If this is the opposing team’s kicker, pretend you can block the ball.
Penalty
If your team incurs a penalty …
Get down on the floor on your back and do as many crunches as it has lost yards.
Freaky fan
Anytime the camera zooms in on a fan wearing face paintor a giant foam headdress …
Place your dishtowel on top of your head.
Cliche
When commentators utter any of the following phrases …
Lift both feet, point your toes and hold until your feet cramp (hurts, but done routinely, this is good for you). Then wiggle your toes and roll your ankles.
The [Seahawks, Broncos] have to get pressure on [fill in quarterback’s name].
They have to take care of the football.
The ball takes a [Denver/Seattle] bounce.
It’s decision time for [Denver/ Seattle].
The defense is showing blitz.
They have to get their hands on the ball.
[A player or team] came to play.
[A player or team] is “physical” or is showing “physicality.”
Fawning
Should play-by-play announcer Troy Aikman flatter announcer Joe Buck by telling him he’s right, he made a great point or any similarly deferential remark …
Snap your fingers six times.
Halftime
While Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers perform …
Get on the floor and experiment with the side plank. Lie on one side facing the TV. Lift your body so you’re balanced on one elbow and the side of one foot and you’ve got a straight line from your neck through your tailbone and between your ankles. Contract your abdominals and relax your top shoulder. Hold that pose without sagging.
When you have to stop, switch sides, turning so you’ll still be able to see the tube. Do the side plank on your other side.
Timeout
If your team takes a timeout …
Pat your pet or hug your pillow.
Victory
If your team wins the Super Bowl …
Chest bump your buddy (see accompanying story). If you’re alone, do your end zone dance.
Defeat
If your team loses the Super Bowl …
Empty that glass of water.
NOTE BELOW
How many calories would playing all or part of this game burn?
We could pretend we know the calorie cost of one minute of any of the activities in the game. We could look up the calorie cost of similar motions in a book of charts like The Fidget Factor by Frank and Victor Katch (Stonesong Press). But that would mean pretending that every reader weighs, say, 150 pounds and has the same fitness level as the graduate students who were tested during the decades of research that underlies those charts.
But your mileage would vary, for sure.
And the bottom line here is not amassing some bogus “calorie burn,” but just having a little fun and getting in a few wiggles without missing the game. Some is better than none.
ActiveStyle Editor Celia Storey, Deputy Editor Frank Fellone, Assistant Sports Editor Steve Goff and Associate Editor Michael Storey contributed to this article.
ActiveStyle, Pages 23 on 01/27/2014