Making dieting a cinch or a ball

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Still “weighting” to start that New Year’s reduction resolution?

Good. Because that means you’re not participating in any of the current diet fads, which go far beyond crazes to just plain crazy.

Here are some of the ways folks in 2014 are attempting to slenderize from (muffin) top to (bulging) bottom.

Cotton ball diet

Most of us keep cotton balls in the bathroom cabinet. For cleansing.

But some women are keeping them in the kitchen pantry. For eating.

Last summer model Bria Murphy, Eddie Murphy’s 24-year-old daughter, revealed that some of her colleagues feast on fluffy puffs in a desperate attempt to stay slim.

“I’ve heard of people eating the cotton balls with the orange juice … they dip it in the orange juice and then they eat the cotton balls to help them feel full, because the cotton’s not doing anything,” she told Good Morning America. “It’s just dissolving. And it makes you think you’re full, but you’re not.”

Not only is eating cotton balls (which aren’t necessarily cotton, but often synthetic, chemically treated fibers) extreme, it could be extremely dangerous, causing gastrointestinal problems, such as obstruction. There’s no way to pad it - eating cotton pads is just bad.

Now, if there was a cotton candy diet …

Oktoberfest diet

Lederhosen getting a little tight?

Well, willkommen to the Oktoberfest diet, an informal eating plan that Arizona man Evo Terra invented when he consumed nothing but sausage and beer (what, no sauerkraut? No German potato salad? No strudel?) for a month, Fox News reported.

Terra’s doctor confirmed he not only lost 14 pounds, he lowered his cholesterol on the plan Terra repeated two more years.

All one needs is sausage. And beer.

And - achtung! - a designated driver.

HAPIfork

Last month, Wall Street Journal Personal Technology columnist Joanna Stern reviewed the $100 HAPIfork that “vibrates in your mouth when you eat too fast and wirelessly reports your good or bad habits to your smart phone. No, this isn’t a Saturday Night Live parody of a late-night infomercial.”

It’s a real - and battery-operated and dishwasher safe - piece of flatware designed to slow diners who, in theory, will eat less.

Unless HAPIfork was programmed to stab - no, slay - me, I don’t see it decelerating my pizza, nachos, margaritas and cookies consumption.

Besides, who eats such stuff with a fork anyway?

Corset Diet

It’s dieting, Downton Abbey style.

The United Kingdom-based TheCorsetDiet.com offers a 17th-century solution to 21st-century stomach rolls: “You will lose weight by simply wearing the specially designed corset. It really is this simple! … The corset is worn before and during meals. This means that the amount of food you consume will fill your stomach more quickly and you will eat less .… Almost like a nonsurgical gastric band. As long as you eat a varied diet you will be able to eat healthily, eat the correct amount of food and not feel deprived in any way, the corset will just not allow it!”

Besides, your budget might not allow it either.

After buying one of the tailored garments that costs £120.00 GBP to £130.00 GBP (that’s $192 to $207 in U.S. dollars; at least worldwide shipping is free), who has money for food?

Here’s an easier, less expensive idea: Don’t diet and just wear modern American Spanx instead.

Squeeze in time to email: [email protected] What’s in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman ’hood.

Style, Pages 19 on 01/21/2014