Guest writer

For real women

An ample-sample exercise plan

Once upon a time, after four straight snowbound days of the 29-Minute Workout with a former Miss Connecticut, it occurred to me … someone needs to make a serious exercise video of little ol’ ladies with more bounce to the ounce.

Of course, everyone knows about those generic exercise videos, but one size simply does not fit all when it comes to exercise.

There are numerous members of the young and limber set who sell their expertise and youthful advice for big bucks, but still they have nothing to offer me. I get sick just watching their moves.

Where is the availability of seasoned advice by one who has reached my age? You know, where do we, the readers of AARP’S magazine and the computer savvy ladies who frequent go60.us, go for help as we try to keep the physical figures we have left?

Once upon a time, I discovered both the Jane Fonda and the Raquel Welch videos. Now I’ve just about given up all hope.

What’s gone is not coming back!

Numerous plans designed to help me retain my younger figure have failed. Maybe it’s meant to be, but hope still springs eternal, or at least hope haunts one into “thinking” about having a youthful figure throughout life.

I’ve decided the problem is my inability to stick with any of the previous programs. Any or all of the helps already available probably work for a stronger, more determined person. If I could see just a little bit of results, I’d be willing to try again.

Once I even tried yoga. Bought a yoga video and tried to entice my husband to join me on the living room floor. Like so many of my good ideas, the plot failed miserably.

I also dragged my body out of bed early enough to make it to a warm pool for water aerobics for a short spell. But I felt rather silly. I’ve never really learned to swim. And I’m almost positive I’m the only woman who ever went completely under water while trying water aerobics in a 5-foot maximum-depth pool!

Besides, I was much too modest to change into my street clothes before all of those swimmers. I just threw a robe over my wet exercise attire and drove home.

When Husband learned I was driving in a wet swimsuit, he said, in a rather loud voice, “Whatever will you do, or say, if you have an accident? What if a policeman stops you?”

It seems that every time a new

year rolls around, I return my aging body to a fitness center again, and become quite taken with an ever-challenging “senior” class. Perhaps I overdid it for a while trying to keep up with the teacher because the feat has now become a test of endurance.

Still searching for a perfect exercise routine for a not-so-enthusiastic older participant, I’ve decided on the perfect solution!

Would about 12 of you admittedly fat and faithful readers of AARP and computer-savvy readers of go6o.com like to join me in making a new exercise video?

We will need a place for filming. I guess we need one a bit larger than the studios used by younger women, but don’t you just know our video will be a huge success? There’s no telling how many videos we can sell.

We’ll split the profits, of course!

We might have to put one lone man on the back row. There’s one in my one-and-only workout video. It was a Christmas gift from someone, I don’t remember who, but even I watch the bouncy young women instead of the token man. Let’s just leave the man out. This will not become a comedy!

Just think … we’ll fill the screen with a variety of real women in all sizes: big bottoms, big bosoms and big smiles! After all, we are not grotesque, we’re just ample samples, with everyday plumpness and big hearts, at least big enough to leave them laughing!

Will it work? I don’t know. Nothing else has, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Are you game? Send name, age, and measurements. The first 12 to sign up are in.

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Freelance writer Patsy Pipkin is the author of three collections of her columns and lives in Searcy.

Editorial, Pages 17 on 01/10/2014

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