We’ve been watching a lot of foreign films lately at the trendy Smith Art House and Coffee Emporium. Not sure why, exactly, except we don’t want to go out because it has been warmer in our refrigerator’s freezer unit than on our front porch, and they seem to blow up less stuff in foreign films. At this point, I’m not quite so excited about art imitating life.
And while I certainly don’t understand them any better, the great advantage of foreign films is they have subtitles. So someone like me, who is paying the price for seeing during his youth just how loud you can crank “Born to Run” on a car stereo before bits of speaker come flying out of the dash like confetti, finally gets a chance to understand the movie without the airport calling and complaining that the volume on the TV is so loud they can’t hear the jets taking off.
So as my mind begins to drift while two young lovers stare wistfully at each other and Max Von Sydow plays chess with Death, or two young lovers stare at Death while Max Von Sydow goes bowling, or something like that, I think just how nice it would be if life had subtitles to keep you posted on what was really going on.
Like….
“Road Work Ahead. Expect Delays.”
Subtitle: “Expect to grind to a complete halt, and sit there watching your life tick away, second by second, the boredom punctuated only by the rising panic that accompanies the realization you’re in the left-hand lane in between exits, you’re running out of gas and your AC is failing. But you in the brown GMC, go ahead, start honking, because that will certainly cause all the other drivers ahead to say ‘Well shucks, that fella must have some place a lot more important to get to than the rest of us, so let’s all pull over and get out of his way so he can be the first one in back of the road grader THAT ISN’T GOING ANYWHERE!’ You know that sticker on your mirror that says ‘Objects may appear larger than they are?’ How about you hold your IQ up there ?”
Or when the nurse says “there will be a little pressure …”
Subtitle: “Followed by intense pain, because I’m jabbing this really sharp thing into your arm. I mean, really, by now, you should know the drill. This is a needle. Did you think we’ve invented some way to magically keep it from hurting when I ram it into your bicep? You are about to cry like a small child.
And no, you don’t get a lollipop.”
And when a coach says, “we take them one game at a time and even though North South Central Louisiana State Tech is 0-for the 2000’s, you can toss the records out the window when we play them.”
Subtitle: “They couldn’t beat us if we wore our helmets backwards. And if their quarterback did try to toss the records out the window, he’d probably overthrow and bust the Sheetrock. So yes, I have spent a lot of time watching film in preparation for this game, and I can say with a great degree of certainty, Sean Connery was the best James Bond, but Daniel Craig is pretty close.”
Then there’s “because I said so.”
Subtitle: “Because I said so.” Some things are universal and don’t require translation.
Or when the waiter greets you with “our special tonight is …”
Subtitle: “Whatever we have a lot of, and can’t get rid of. Dude, this is a land-locked state. If you’re wanting fish, chances are it has spent more time in the air than Lindbergh, and its eventual landing will be a lot less warmly received.
And our ‘chef?’ His only real culinary skill is the ability to operate a microwave. Bon appetit, who I think is the lead singer for U2.”
How about “we need to talk.”
Subtitle: “You need to listen while I talk.”
Or when the advertisement says “this wine is precocious with a hint of jasmine and pomegranate.”
Subtitle: Not sure what’s “precocious” about something to drink, and this tastes more like rubbing alcohol with a hint of Vicks. But the label has a bear, a unicorn and a rabbit dancing on it, and our research shows people are more likely to buy wine with whimsical pictures of animals on the bottle, so, cheers.”
And finally, “this column is over.”
Subtitle: “This column is over. Until next week, anyway.” GARY SMITH IS A RECOVERING JOURNALIST LIVING IN ROGERS.
Opinion, Pages 5 on 01/09/2014