I feel icky.

Throat’s scratchy.

Nose’s itchy.

Ears blocky.

Icky. Irritable. In no mood to be commanded to “Conquer today.”

And certainly not by my cough drop.

Yes, cough drop. It’s speaking to me. No, I’m not completely decongestant-delusional. The cough drop is seriously speaking. And it has a whole lot to say.

In their defense, Halls Defense are not exactly cough drops, but vitamin C “supplement drops” (although packages fail to “supplement” an explanation as to why they’re sold by other cough drops in the cold-relief aisle and not the vitamin section). The sunny citrus fruits on the package smiled at me, saving me from more insufferable varieties (“Soothing Pine?” Shouldn’t that be reserved for cleaning laminate flooring, not clearing nasal passages?).

Essentially, Halls Defense are grapefruity, orangey and lemony sugar-free hard candies with a 100 percent daily value of vitamin C and “delicious daily defense” per five-calorie drop. And, the package says, 10 of them count as a fruit serving. (Of course, why would someone who enjoys the taste of lemon, grapefruit or orange consume 10 flavored drops instead of just one piece of fruit? Especially when the drops come with this warning: “Excess consumption may have a laxative effect.” Suffice it to say, Halls Defense could have a strong offense.)

As I opened the first one, I noticed it had a message besides “Halls Halls Halls” on the wrapper: “Buckle down and push forth!” Buckle, huh? Where’s the buckle on the cough drop?

The wrapper wasn’t done directing.

“Don’t waste a precious minute.” “Impress yourself today.” “Nothing you can’t handle.” “Be toppable.” Wait, toppable? Clearly the wrapper cut off the “uns” - “unstoppable.”

And then, also in blue print, I saw the clue to this unsolicited encouragement: “A PEP TALK IN EVERY DROP. ™”

Halls Defense drops don’t just come with isomalt, sodium ascorbate, citric acid and Red 40, they come with therapy. Apparently these motivational rapping wrappers are Halls’ answer to the fortune cookie, Cracker Jack prize or Bazooka Bubble Gum comic.

I opened others to make sure I wasn’t tripping.

“March forward!” “Elicit a few ‘wows’ today.” “Tough is your middle name.” “Go for it.” “Be resilient.” “Bet on yourself.”

There is nothing a puny, sniffly, immune-system-compromised soul who just bought counterfeit cough drops wants to hear less than “Put a little strut in it.”

Except maybe this one - “Fire up those engines!”

My engine was fired up,all right. Why would anyone need a vitamin supplement pretending to be a cough drop pretending to be a life coach? Yep, I said it. Hey, I’m merely following Halls’ rallying cry: “Turn ‘can do’ into ‘can did!’”

I don’t want gratuitous encouragement from a throat drop!

But, um, I would take some coddling.

What about, “There, there, sugar. Feel better!” “What you need is a nap. And a handsome man to serve you soup. And some court TV shows!” “Take off all week - you work way too hard anyway.” “Whine all you want, love. It’s OK!” “You’ll be a new woman in no time. And a new woman needs new shoes and a new purse. Shop online!” “Rest your pretty stuffed-up head, sweetheart!” “Has anyone told you you’re cute when you’re coughing?”

So “Don’t try harder. Do harder!” - change your wrappers, Halls, and then, hollaback! Hack, cough, hack.

“It’s yours for the taking.” Email: [email protected] What’s in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman ’hood.

Style, Pages 29 on 01/07/2014