Dear Otus,
You can only imagine my horror when two beefy guys with official state badges came to my door Thursday and demanded I turn over my 40- and 60-watt light bulbs.
I lied and told them I didn’t have any. Then they proceeded to unscrew my porch light (it was a 60) and left me with a brochure that said I had until Jan. 31 to turn in all my bulbs or face a hefty fine and possible jail time.
Jail time! What’s this all about?
- Chaud Ampoule, Jacksonville
Dear Chaud,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and, although not actually a pleasure, it’s certainly my intent to commiserate with your horror as best as I can since we were all given fair warning.
I can only sympathize instead of empathize (there is a big difference) because I divested myself of all my incandescent light bulbs at the beginning of 2013 when I read the writing on the wall.
The energy police are just as serious today as when they came door to door in ’94 to ensure that any new toilet you had in your house didn’t use more than 1.6 gallons per flush (gpf). That was less than half the Niagara emitted by the old 3.5 gpf models with which we all grew up.
You’ll recall that 1994 was the same year they limited new shower heads to no more than 2.5 gallons per minute.
Wily consumers got around the energy-saving intent of the low-flow toilets by flushing twice, and low-flow shower heads simply led to longer showers.
First they came for the toilets and the showers; a couple of years ago they came for the light bulbs.
And, if you’re political, it’s no use in assigning blame. President Barack Obama had nothing to do with this one. The current crackdown began with a bipartisan effort that was penned into law by President George W. Bush.
The Energy Independence and Security Act, signed by Bush in 2007, was upheld by Congress in 2011.
The new light bulb laws were designed to address the inherent inefficiencies with incandescent bulbs that have existed since they were made practical by Thomas Edison.
Only 10 percent of the energy consumed by an incandescent bulb is converted into light, according to the Environmental Protection Agency. The rest is wasted as heat.
The big offenders - the 75- and 100-watt light bulbs - were phased out at the beginning of 2013. It is now illegal to import, buy, sell, manufacture or have in your possession incandescent bulbs of that wattage and above.
Flouting the law will net you a penalty up to $250,000 and/or five years in jail. The worst Arkansas case of the past year was a doomsday survivalist in Newton County who was discovered to have a hoard of 38,500 100-watt bulbs in his cabin on Osage Creek near the Compton community.
It may not have gone so badly for James Warren, but it turns out he was selling the bulbs at obscene prices on eBay and using his ill-gotten gains to stock his lair with Twisted Teriyaki Slim Jim Tender Steak Strips (they last forever) and glow sticks for the coming end times.
The energy cops surrounded him at the Compton One Stop on Arkansas 43, where he barricaded the door and held out for six days on a diet of pickled eggs and Red Bull.
He gave up when he ran out of toilet paper. He’s now doing three to five years in the Arkansas Department of Correction North Central Unit in Calico Rock, where he participates in the Paws in Prison program.
He and his schipperke could get out in June on good behavior.
Of note is that Warren’s cell is lighted by three 26-watt compact fluorescent light (CFL) bulbs. Each puts out 67 lumens per watt and is equal to an old 100-watt incandescent bulb.
The fact that each bulb saves 75 percent in energy costs and lasts an average of 10,000 hours is the reason the country is switching over to CFLs and LED bulbs.
A 10-watt LED is as bright as a 60-watt incandescent, produces no heat and will last up to 20 years.
Under the law, light bulb manufacturers ceased making traditional 40- and 60-watt light bulbs - the most popular in the country - on Wednesday.
On Thursday, squads of energy police fanned out across the land in two-man teams to force compliance for the nation’s 4 billion screw-base sockets.
Gov. Mike Beebe has done his part in the national goal. Several amnesty warehouses have been set up across the state where citizens can turn in their old bulbs with no questions asked through the end of the month. Check online for the locations and hours of operation on the “Services” link at Arkansas.gov.
The first reclamation center, located in the old Wal-Mart store near the air base exit in Jacksonville, already houses 400,000 incandescent bulbs that will be shipped to the Waste Isolation Pilot Plant in New Mexico for safe deep geological disposal.
Until next time, Kalaka reminds you not to forget the bulbs in your refrigerator.
Disclaimer Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. Email: [email protected]
HomeStyle, Pages 34 on 01/04/2014