It’s early February, and high time to examine the progress I’ve made on my New Year’s Resolutions. Which is shorthand for bragging.
Because no one “examines progress” on resolutions they haven’t kept. They just forget they made them.
So far, I’ve got to say that, while I set fairly lofty goals for myself, I’m forging ahead quite nicely. It’s just a matter of managing expectations.
Which is shorthand for … well, I’ll let you figure that out.
1. Get more sleep. This is proceeding nicely. However, as the Lovely Mrs. Smith has pointed out, in the future I might want to be a little more specific about these sorts of commitments. For example, I probably should have been clear that I didn’t necessarily mean more sleep “at night.”
Others, including people sitting next to us at the movies or in church or at a stoplight seem to share her opinion about this. Perhaps it’s the snoring. Or the blanket. Or the drooling on some stranger’s shoulder.
Personally, I take this as a manifestation of the reality that not everyone is going to support you on your road to self-improvement.
2. Reach out and re-establish contact with old friends.
I elected to start with those I thought owed me money, had borrowed things from me or were fans of teams my favorite teams had beaten recently. Haven’t heard back, but I like to think I took that important first step and the door is open.
3. Eat better. Going quite well. I’m up to chewing each bite of sausage/pepperoni/ hamburger/six-cheese/bacon/bacon/bacon pizza 32 times, and with my mouth closed, thank you. And I use a napkin.
4. Embrace a wider range of world cultures. Mixed success. I have fiddled with my car’s dashboard so that now my speedometer registers in kilometers per hour, and I’ve started speaking with a German accent, which made me feel more European. For some reason, the highway patrolman didn’t want to participate in the “Autobahn” experience.
Again, not everyone will join you on the road to self-improvement. And some will, but those flashing blue lights might be distracting.
5. Learn to be more “tech-savvy.” Definite positive. Did you know your toaster has a dial that will allow you to adjust just how crisp you want your bread? And that there’s another button you can push that will pop the bread up if you think it’s done enough, so you don’t have to dig in the opening with a fork? Mind off cially blown! Instead of, for instance, a lot of fuses.
6. Spend more time with your family. I’ve found this works best if you combine it with No. 1. The other night, for instance, I spent quite a bit of quality time with my family while the soccer player tried to find his heart’s desire, or a reoccurring role in a telenovela.
I feel we were all building memories there. I could sense the love.
7. Open myself to new dining experiences. Does Dunkin’ Donuts count?
Hmm … perhaps still some work to be done.
8. Be nicer and more patient. Again, another one that works best in combination with No. 1. Because it’s really hard to be grouchy, touchy, mean-spirited or short-tempered when you’re asleep. And if you are being any of those things, you’re probably keeping it to yourself.
9. Drink more water.
This was a stumper until I realized it was mostly a matter of technique, and that “more” is a pretty subjective term. I have found a way to meet this particular goal. I simply put more ice in the glass.
10. Get to know my neighbors better. Another one where specificity counts. For instance, I had a cousin who thought that meant rifling through their mail and peeking in their windows. The judge didn’t agree.
11. Exercise more. I’ve been engaged in a strict regime of jumping to conclusions, pushing back on progress and running from reality. Not only do I feel better, I’ve got a leg up on a potential career in Washington, D.C.
Now typically I treat the New Year’s resolutions I made about the way I treat agreeing to take out the trash or unload the dishwasher. Which is to say I forgot about them on the misguided hope the trash/ dishwasher elves will come and take care of that. And then, when called on it, I promise to do better. At least this time around, I’ve documented the resolutions and am making progress.
You’ll buy that, won’t you?
Good! Expectations successfully managed.
GARY SMITH IS A RECOVERING JOURNALIST LIVING IN ROGERS.
Opinion, Pages 5 on 02/06/2014