It’s Feb. 2. And that dadgum groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, better not see his shadow today.
If he does, I’m going to hunt him down, and I won’t be responsible for my actions. I might get medieval. Or just plain evil. Or I might just hitchhike to St. Lucia.
Holler if you hear me. I know I’m not alone in having had a harder time this winter than I’ve ever had with winter before … and I’m not fond of any of ’em. Even people who don’t usually complain about the cold have murmured on Facebook and thereabouts.
Guess we were warned. By the The Old Farmer’s Almanac. “2013-2014 U.S. Weather Highlights: Frigid Winter With Bitter Cold and Heavy Snow” blares its website, almanac.com, above a blurb that elaborates: “Brrrrr! It looks like global warming will soon be taking a vacation to make room for Old Man Winter. … A decline in solar activity combined with ocean-atmosphere patterns in the Pacific and Atlantic will result in below-normal temperatures and above-normal snowfall during most of the winter across much of the United States.”
And back in the fall, someone on Facebook posted a picture of persimmon seeds that had been cut in half to reveal the shape of little white spoons. According to folklore, this is a sign of a colder-than-average winter. Stupid persimmons. Well, they’re not stupid. That’s the problem.
And I guess somewhere somebody’s aching joints forecast all this. Or thicker fur on animals (or on husbands’ backs). Maybe I should have paid attention to my dry skin, which I’m convinced itched more than usual.
All I know is we’ve had too many unseasonably cold days. Pipe-freezing cold, as some of us recently found. Arctic wind-that-always-seems-tobe-blowing-against-you cold. If another weatherman gets on the TV on another day when the temperature high corresponds with a lady’s shoe size and remarks about the average high temperature for that day being 58, that weatherman may go the way of any shadow-casting groundhogs.
We know how our northern neighbors are suffering. We have a cold; they have pneumonia, as the saying goes. But at least they’re more used to this. At least they’re more likely to have bought such things as Robert Peary parkas, store-robber ski masks and 2-inch thick socks to get themselves through the winter.
What has made it worse is how we’ve been toyed with. Yes, Arkansas is known for its fickle weather, but it has been taken to a new level … or should I say new extremes of temperature levels. There’s the occasional day that it gets up in the 50s, 60s or 70s, creating a small window for those thus inclined to get out the flip-flops - which never seem to be buried at the back of any Little Rock-area closets - and engage in such activities as shopping, taking a neighborhood stroll or washing and vacuuming the car. A day or two later, we’re being told to let the faucets drip, bring the pets in and remember the Donner Party.
If Arkansas has a groundhog, his name must be Multiple-Personality Mitch.
Yes, next month is March. But often it, too, can be infuriatingly cold … so I’ll limp along the same way I usually limp along during my least favorite season: gazing at the newsletters and social-media pages of travel websites, which love to show pictures of year-round warm destinations bearing white sandy beaches. Such gazing is occasionally interrupted, and ruined, by the photos of a social-media pal who was smart enough to plan a winter vacation in such a spot.
Or I’ll just busy myself with new cold jokes: It’s colder than …
A Kanye West awards show “diss.”
Mr. Spock, stuck in a deadend bureaucrat job.
The Queen of England’s turn-down of a Justin Bieber proposition.
Am I being a wuss? Completely. But again, I know I have wussy company who will gladly join me in dreaming of summer … unbearably hot, too short and work-heavy and money-light as it actuality may prove to be.
Be that as it may … I’m warning you again, Punxsutawney Phil. You don’t want to get stuffed into one of those guys’ top hats.
Shiver me emails!
Style, Pages 47 on 02/02/2014