'Walk Through Grief'

Holidays require awareness, compassion

It might be trimming the tree, receiving a Christmas card or something as simple as sitting down to a cup of hot cocoa.

The holidays are a treasured time for families, and cherished traditions can also trigger grief when a loved one has recently died.

Go & Do

Grief Support Groups

Springdale Group

When: 5:30-7 p.m. on the first Monday of each month

Where: Circle of Life Hospice, 901 Jones Road in Springdale

Cost: Free

Information: 872-3338; no registration required

Bentonville Group

When: 10-11:30 a.m. on the second Monday of each month and 5:30-7 p.m. on the third Monday of each month

Where: Circle of Life Legacy Village, 1201 N.E. Legacy Parkway in Bentonville

Cost: Free

Information: 872-3338; no registration required

Classes and Workshops

Adult Grief Classes — For adults who have experienced the loss of a family member, friend or loved one

Art Workshop for Children — For children ages 6-16 who have lost a family member or loved one. Co-facilitated by Jo Ann Kaminsky, a board certified art and play therapist.

When: Six class series on Jan. 27, Feb. 3, 10, 17 and 24 and March 3

Where: Circle of Life Hospice in Springdale

Cost: Free

Information: 872-3338 or nwacircleoflife.org; registration required by Jan. 20

Fast Facts

Chaplain On Call

Those grieving who wish to speak with a chaplain at Washington Regional Medical Center can call 443-1000 and request to speak with a chaplain on call.

— Source: Ron Fuhrman, chaplain and director of clinical pastoral education at Washington Regional Medical Center

Ron Fuhrman, chaplain and director of pastoral education at Washington Regional Medical Center, said memories can flood in at these times, so people need to be aware that this is going to happen.

"There are a lot of traditional triggers that bring up memories and then can create sadness around the loss of the person," said Cristie Ginther, bereavement and spiritual care coordinator at Circle of Life Hospice.

Circle of Life recently presented a Hope for the Holidays workshop, during which people shared their losses and discussed coping skills, Ginther said. She noted that there is "no right or wrong way" to grieve.

"You've got to do what makes you feel best because you're the one experiencing the death of somebody," she said.

The Springdale and Bentonville locations of Circle of Life hold monthly support groups and quarterly grief classes and workshops. Support groups are drop in, but people have to register in advance for classes and workshops. During the holidays, there is so much emphasis on seasonal cheer and happiness, it can be hard for people dealing with grief, Ginther said. They may feel like others don't understand, and support groups provide the knowledge other people are going through the same thing, she added.

"You sometimes feel very isolated, that you're the only one feeling this way, and that's not the case," she said.

An adult class and children's workshop will begin in January, which she said is done intentionally because it's right off the cusp of three major holidays.

Fuhrman said there is not currently a grief support group at Washington Regional, but people can call the hospital and request to speak to the chaplain on call.

Here are some tips Ginther and Fuhrman gave for coping with grief during the holiday season:

• Those grieving should surround themselves with people they enjoy, people who understand their situation and make them feel safe and comfortable, Ginther said.

• "Focus outside yourself. Focus on the people and loved ones you still have around you," Fuhrman said. "If you don't have people around you, you need to find people. There's no substitute for support and groups of people."

• Those grieving shouldn't be afraid to tell people their needs and acknowledge some things that are not going to happen. For example, a person grieving may say that she doesn't think she can make 100 cookies this year or may not be able to buy everyone Christmas presents, Ginther said.

• "You have to respect how other family members feel," Ginther said. "One thing we re-emphasize is that if there is a family involved, it is important to include everybody." Come together with everyone and decide what will make everyone feel comfortable and good, she said. Compromise is a huge issue.

• If children are experiencing the loss of a family member, "letting them have a way to express themselves is really important," Ginther said. Some options are drawing a picture of what they expect Christmas to be like or placing notes to the deceased person in a stocking, she said. If adults plan to visit a memorial site or burial location, they should ask the children if this is something they want to do. "Always ask because they may not want to." She said she encourages parents and grandparents to explain rituals to children and allow them to choose what they want to do and do not want to do.

• Fuhrman said "often people are too hard on themselves," maybe wondering "what's wrong with me?" or expecting to get over this. "I think it's first of all recognizing how normal it is to have difficulty on the holidays and then to not be hard on yourself," he said. "This is normal, and you will get through it. There will be a brighter day after this."

• "You may want to change your routine. That might feel better to you," Ginther said. Sometimes traditions people have always had make them feel good, and they want that stability. For other people, it can be very sad, she said. "It just depends on the individual and their family." Changing routines or traditions may help to ease the impact of the reality that their loved one is gone, she said.

• If people want to continue traditions, Ginther said to emotionally prepare themselves that these may trigger strong emotions. They may cry, and that is OK, she added.

• Think about ways to observe and remember their loved one. Ginther suggests lighting a candle in his memory and letting it burn throughout the holiday dinner or writing notes on a balloon and then taking it outside to let it go. If it has been a long time since the loss, share stories about the deceased person. If it has been only six months, stories may be too painful, she said. According to a handout on grief and loss from Circle of Life, two other options include having a moment of silence at the dinner table or making a charitable donation.

• Some people grieving may become overwhelmed with wanting to do the right thing and what their friends will think if they don't go to holiday gatherings. Ginther suggested people ask if they can leave the invitation open, communicating to friends and family that they will show up if they can but acknowledging they may wake up that morning and feel like they can't go. And that's OK, she said.

• Don't sweep grief under the rug, Fuhrman said. "That person that is gone is a real part of their life yet, and the memories are just as real." He added that certain times in the grieving process are more painful than other times, but people should not be afraid of tears. "Tears are very healing in one sense. We have to walk through grief. It's part of our emotional healing."

NAN Life on 12/10/2014

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