Dear Otus,
What's with Hollywood all of a sudden turning Old Testament prophets into action heroes! First there was Russell Crowe as Noah and now we have Christian Bale (huh?) as Moses in Exodus: Gods and Kings. I suspect the devoutly religious are royally peeved.
-- Cecil Blount,
Hot Springs Village
Dear Cecil,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you. And I don't mean wholly Moses.
I understand your concern, but this is nothing new. Owner has experienced firsthand the wrath of those who take their Bibles -- even the lusty R-rated adventures of the Old Testament -- most seriously.
I recall years ago when Owner, the TV columnist for this very newspaper, got in hot water. Owner fancies he has a sense of humor and generally tries to find something positive or at least humorous to say about even the most odious dreck and nauseous effluvia on the tube.
Owner knows that there are just so many hours in the day, and with so many television shows competing for your time, he has to do something clever to draw your attention to the good ones.
So when he wanted to get everyone to watch Joseph, a 1995 made-for-TV saga, he wrote a parody review in the language of the Old Testament.
I told him not to do it. He did it anyway.
I firmly believe that the Big Guy upstairs has a robust and impressive sense of humor (just check out the platypus or Mitch McConnell), but there are plenty among us who do not. And they'll condemn you to the eternal fires of perdition if you cross them.
Joseph came to us from Ted Turner and I told Owner that he'd offend folks who truly believed that Turner was making these movies out of devotion and not just to make a buck.
In Turner's Old Testament movies, he chose tales that just happened to have lots of comely wenches and fetching handmaids. Samson and Delilah (1996) with Elizabeth Hurley comes to mind. There is scads of begetting, and long, lingering scenes of lusty courtesans wearing clingy flimsy outfits while trying to seduce our chaste hero in the hot tub. But if it's about the Bible, no matter how it's presented, some folks will not appreciate parody.
Owner argued that it would all be in good fun and increase interest in the movie. Here's a sample of what he wrote:
"And it came to pass that the tale of Joseph, first born of Jacob and Rachel, was set upon the screen that was small. And it was called Joseph for, verily, that was its name.
"Such was the greatness and edification of Joseph that the people looked upon it in two parts upon two days. And the critics' hearts were unhardened and they smiled upon Joseph and bestowed upon it their blessings and mocked it not, for it was most favored with much that was good."
And, of course, the spit hit the fan. Owner got calls from the lugubrious offended and the humor-impaired.
"You have made a mockery of the word of God," one caller clucked from the moral high ground. "I will pray for you to see the error of your ways," said another, "and until you do, I pray that you do not sleep at night."
Owner was stunned. He was grateful that only sleep was involved and not boils and blains, flies, lice, locusts or frogs. I was grateful that the curse did not involve a grievous murrain upon his beasts.
Then a letter written in a large and open hand arrived from a small town in Independence County.
"I was very offended. I did not find it funny at all. Do [you] not know what a rotten thing you have done by making fun of the Bible Story movies? I, for one, love those movies. I watch The Ten Commandments every year for starters. I consider putting anything to do with the Bible into an article such as this unadulterated blasphemy."
I tried to warn him, but would he listen to me? The next thing you know he'll go off and write something tacky about Charlton Heston, who, as we all know, was divinely hand-picked to star in The Ten Commandments.
Parody, humor and satire are tricky, slippery things. Goodness knows I learned that lesson when I wrote tongue-in-cheek 30 years back about the grim state of the family Velcro farmers in southwest Arkansas. Two couples from Forrest City thought it'd be educational to drive over and look at the glistening fields of Velcro while they still existed.
When the fella who had to drive all that way found out it was all in jest, he wrote suggesting that I do something to myself that I don't really believe is physically possible.
He also told me never to let the sun go down on me in Forrest City. Yikes.
Until next time, Kalaka reminds you of the wisdom of Hezekiah 21:6: "Deliver me from him who is without laughter for he vexeth my soul."
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Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat's award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. Email:
HomeStyle on 12/06/2014