Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is an honorable estate not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently and soberly.
And by soberly, we do not mean to suggest the absence of intoxicating spirits. That, indeed, would make it hard for the bride and the groom, because they both own and operate liquor stores within the state of Arkansas. They have, before these witnesses, vowed to love and care for one another as long as they both shall live, taking each other with all their faults and strengths, with all their inventories of alcoholic beverages and to cherish their liquor stores as long as the state allows this husband and wife to operate them.
What’s The Point?
A recent finding by the Alcoholic Beverage Control Board strains interpretation of state law with regard to “direct or indirect” benefits from liquor store ownership.
If anyone knows of any reason by these two should not be joined together in spirits-filled enterprises, speak now or forever hold your peace.
What's that? Yes, you on the back shelf, I mean, pew ...
Well, this is awkward. It seems Mr. Christopher Moore objects. For those who couldn't hear him, he says he wanted the blessings of the state of Arkansas to sell liquor in Benton County, too, but the state allows only a limited number of permits in each county, and he wonders if one of this couple's permits should be given to him.
All right, Mr. Moore, this is a matter for a higher authority. Let's read a verse from the Arkansas Code, which says no one can benefit "directly or indirectly" from ownership in more than one state issued liquor license. Amen. Oh, brothers and sisters, let us turn for guidance to the prophets on the Alcoholic Beverage Control Board. They say what God has joined together, the state of Arkansas can completely ignore.
Roger Gildehaus, holder of a liquor store permit for Macadoodles in Springdale, took to have and to hold Sarah C. Gildehaus, holder of a liquor store permit for Guess Who? in Bentonville. The board, under a court order to review its earlier decision to grant this bride a permit, affirmed its finding that issuing the happy couple a pair of liquor store permits did not violated that state law.
Friends, who can truly fathom the mysteries of alcoholic beverage control in Arkansas? Perhaps it's time for a reformation. The way liquor licensing has been carried out for years has been puzzling. Perhaps we mere mortals are not meant to understand it all. For example, why would state law make it illegal for a husband and wife to hold different liquor store permits in the first place?
Mr. Moore, you're objection is noted, but it's time to solemnize this union in front of these gathered friends, family members and loyal customers, who can receive a 10 percent discount at either store by showing the invitation to this event. The ones who catch the bouquet and garter get an extra 15 percent off.
But back to our ceremony. Having been duly authorized by the state of Arkansas, I now pronounce you husband and wife. May I present to friends and family for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Guess Who Macadoodle, who have no direct or indirect interest in each other's businesses.
May they live happily ever after.
Commentary on 08/30/2014