"I'm a barista," says Gina, the glitzed-out glamour-puss with an Australian accent.
Really? Wow, coffee ("cuppa" the Aussies call it) must be really huge Down Under for this drink server to be dripping in diamonds.
Also, Australia must not be as strict with its health codes, as she's wearing, along with a black robe, a fuzzy white poodle or something on her head while working.
Oh, wait, she's a barrister.
And that thing on her head is her court dress wig.
And this is The Real Housewives of Melbourne. Never mind that Gina works outside the home and is not actually married. And never mind that we're not convinced that Gina of the baritone voice, Amazonian physique isn't really a Gene. What kind of hair products and cosmetics does she use anyway? Do they carry our DuPont paints and coatings in Australia? They certainly got our Dynasty episodes.
"I have often described myself as the ultimate drag queen," Gina/Gene tells the camera before a pregnant pause. Hey, you said it, brother, er, sister, er, whatever.
"When it comes to style and glamour, Melbourne is the jewel in Australia's crown," Gina/Gene narrates, bragging about the area's fashion and food.
Don't I know it! How I love a good authentic Australian Bloomin' Onion!
Bravo has begun showing episodes (new episodes at 11 a.m. Sundays; full episodes at bravotv.com) that originally aired on overseas sibling channel Arena and were patterned after the network's Real Housewives franchise of rich-witch women and their first-world drama. Same theatrics, different inflection.
Gina/Gene is joined by:
• Lydia, a mother who says things like "I love fast cars. I love my fast jet. And I love my fast husband." Only she doesn't love her Porsche all that much, demanding during a family dinner, "I need a new car." One with a red roof, capable of carrying her 190 kilograms of luggage when she returns from a shopping trip. That's 419 pounds. Crikey.
• Andrea, who declares, "I honestly think that I've worked out the secret to raising great kids." The formula is this: One plastic surgeon husband, three kids and five (!) nannies.
• Janet, a property developer who is not a wife, nor ever at home. She lives in a boutique hotel much of the time -- that is when she's not living at the salon. "I never wash my own hair," she sniffs.
• Chyka, the "social queen of Melbourne," who is so busy with her family's catering/party empire she has no day on the calendar to schedule dinner with her husband.
• Jackie, a self-proclaimed psychic who is married to a self-proclaimed rock legend, though no one in her new social circle seems to know who he (Ben Gillies) or his band (Silverchair) is.
New to Melbourne, Jackie is brought into the fold by Janet after a convincing psychic reading (in which we learn "You can smoke in heaven," according to Janet's grandfather via Jackie).
Immediately Jackie finds herself at odds with Gina/Gene when she boldly predicts Gina/Gene will break up with his/her overseas partner because he's cheating on him/her.
Jackie then can't believe it when Gina/Gene (whom previews show warring with Andrea in future episodes) and her other new mates are talking about her behind her back.
Um, shouldn't Jackie have seen that coming?
Not just because she's psychic.
But because this is Real Housewives.
Wives' tales? Email:
jchristman @arkansasonline.com
What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood.
Style on 08/12/2014