Eureka Springs noises

AH, THE LITTLE Switzerland in this state that we refer to as Eureka Springs! What would Arkies do for conversation starters if not for Eureka Springs? (“Martha, look at what they’re up to now!”) What other little town would have a conniption over horse-drawn carriages on the streets, or whether to display American flags on its light poles? Surely these proposals are controversial only in Eureka Springs. Also on Eureka Springs’ ever-crowded agenda of controversies: how to co-exist with the ghosts in the resort town, whether to allow deer to be hunted with bows in the parks, and what to do about the hogs-both kinds, the swine and the motorcycles.

Speaking of Harleys, the city council of Eureka Springs-always a hoot-is considering whether to make a few changes to its noise ordinance. Which sounds a bit boring for a news article coming out of Eureka Springs. But you just know it’ll get good.

So . . . if a city council wanted to keep noise from motorcycles at a minimum in the community, you’d think that some councilman or another would write up an ordinance that said, more or less: Gee, folks, don’t rev up the bikes. We have limestone buildings downtown, and canyons and tree-covered hills all over. And the raucous sound coming out of all those tailpipes just echoes, and echoes, and echoes. Think y’all could give it a rest?

Any request so simple and straightforward is for other towns. Instead, the city council in Eureka Springs has drawn up an ordinance that makes it illegal to create “unnecessary, unnatural or unusual” noises. Said law would apply to any sound that “annoys, disturbs, injures, or endangers the comfort,repose, health, peace, and safety of reasonable persons at any time, day or night.” Talk about throwing the book-and a thesaurus at that-at a simple little problem.

Talk about your sweeping, all-inclusive, vague and repetitive legalese. With that thing on the books, you’d think anybody doing almost anything audible in Eureka Springs could get a ticket, depending on what the police officer had for breakfast that morning. Quit shuffling your feet! That’s annoying!

Let’s just see where this could take us. . . .

What about nose whistles? Remember them?

And do you remember a country music singer from back in the ’80s by the name of John Anderson? What if his novelty hit Swingin’ came on the radio just as you pulled up at a stoplight? Boy, that’d be bound to disturb the folks in the next car over-at least if they were of sound mind. Oh, the horror. Unnatural noises? Is there a noise that any motor makes that is natural?

You know what really endangers our own comfort and peace? When somebody uses words like “literally” and “hopefully” incorrectly or just sloppily. It drives us crazy. Figuratively speaking. And we hope they stop it.

The cops in Eureka Springs would have a lot to deal with-and a lot of power-if such a vaguely worded ordinance got on the books. Wouldn’t it be easier to find another city’s ordinance about excessive noise from motorbikes and just copy it? Or would that be too boring an idea for the likes of Eureka Springs?

Come on, councilmen. Surely you can come up with an ordinance that’s clearer than this. Bore us for once. It would be restful.