You might not know this because I’m on the Real Housewives and Kardashians beat, but I’m quite the theologian.
OK, so all I do is go to Mass (most) every week and attend a regular Scripture study. I’ve never had any formal religious education, unless after-school Catholic CCD (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine) classes I took as a youth count. And because I passed notes and talked the entire time with my friends, they surely don’t.
Fine, I’m no biblical scholar. But I’ve at least read Genesis, which is more than the makers of the Noah film starring Russell Crowe and directed by atheist Darren Aronofsky - who called the project “the least biblical biblical film ever made” in a New Yorker interview - can say.
After seeing the movie, I reviewed The Book again to make sure I hadn’t missed anything huge (like massive rock monsters called The Watchers in the movie that not only protect Noah but provide free labor - huh?) in my reading of the Noah’s ark story.
I hadn’t.
Here we differentiate between what happened in the film (designated as Noah), and what really happens in The Book (designated as “No, uh”), according to the most widely read New International Version.
Now would be a good time to stop reading if you don’t want the movie spoiled. As if a movie based on a story everyone knows can be spoiled.
Noah: God? God who? There’s someone called The Creator. But it’s an off-camera, nonspeaking bit part.
No, uh: God, whose name appears some 20 times (not counting all the times he’s called the Lord), is a central character in the Noah story, Genesis 6-9. And he’s got a whole lot to say, like: “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created - and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground - for I regret that I have made them.” Kind of like the regret Paramount Pictures might have for making Noah, when all is said and done (although it was No. 1 its first weekend with an estimated $44 million opening).
Noah: Noah, a vegetarian environmentalist, is played by cussing, argumentative thrower of phones Russell Crowe.
No, uh: Noah, who sacrificed animals as burnt offerings, “was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked faithfully with God.”
Noah: Noah gets the idea to build the ark after his grandfather, played by Anthony Hopkins, serves him hallucinogenic tea.
No, uh: God commands Noah to make the ark of cypress and pitch, and details all kinds of specifications. Although we can understand confusing Hopkins with God - they are about the same age.
Noah: Noah had a wife, Naameh, and three sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth. But only Shem has a gal - that chick from Harry Potter - and they’re never married, although she becomes his baby momma. Ham desperately settles on a gal, Na’el, before the storm, but she gets caught in a trap and trampled. Lonely, womanless Ham blames Noah.
No, uh: This Na’el character ne’er existed. Noah had a wife (not Naameh, more like No Name) and three sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth - who all had wives. And Ham went on to father Cush, Mizraim Phut and Canaan, who would be cursed because of creepy incestuous stuff (suggested but never definitively stated) his dad did. That’s a whole other movie that should never happen.
Noah: Villain Tubal-Cain is not only a trespasser in the biblical sense, he stows away on the ark.
No, uh: There is a Tubal-Cain in Genesis 4:22 “who forged all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron.
Tubal-Cain’s sister was Naamah.” Wait, back to the movie, wasn’t Noah’s wife called Naameh (though it’s spelled differently)? Are they saying evil Tubal-Cain is Noah’s brother-in-law? No wonder he was OK with him drowning.
Noah: Noah’s wife puts all the thousands and thousands of computer-generated animals to sleep with a magical sedative, some kind of Old Testament herbal version of Ambien. Why couldn’t she give some to Noah when he briefly becomes a homicidal nutcase, determined to kill his newborn grandchildren?
No, uh: No detail about animal keeping is given in the Bible. But this movie, in spite of all its screaming and splashing, magically put my date to sleep.
Noah: It ends with Noah telling his family, “Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth.” And just how is that going to happen? They’re the only people there. Two sons don’t have wives. The son that has a wife just became the father of twin girls. And Noah, at age 600, ain’t getting any younger.
No, uh: It ends with God telling Noah’s family, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth” and then there’s the establishment of a covenant between God and Noah, which is the whole point of the story, left out of the movie entirely.
Noah: Noah’s cinematic journey lasts 2 hours and 17 minutes.
No, uh: It takes Noah about 100 years to complete the ark and then he’s on the ark about 370 more days. Although, in fairness, the movie felt that long.
Float my boat, email: [email protected] Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.
Style, Pages 49 on 04/06/2014