Tidying the villa before a vacation

My crib has never been so clean.

Bathroom bleached. Furniture fuzz-free. Dishwasher deserted. Clothes categorized. Mail methodized. Sinks sparkling. Carpet crumbless.

Because I’m going to have guests?

No!

Because I’m going out of town!

Huh?

Yes, I confess, I’m a vacation vacuumer, holiday homemaker and a sabbatical sanitizer. Whether it’s for weeks away or just a weekend, I feel compelled to scour before I sojourn. I don’t truly comprehend the compulsion, but I wouldn’t be able to enjoy proper R&R if I knew my dwelling was R&R - really raggedy.

No matter that no one except the pets and a sitter (anyone I trust with a key, I trust not to judge me too harshly) will see the place, I want it - must have it! - spotless.

I mean, what if someone else were to just walk in?

But wait, who would do that? A burglar? Why am I concerned about what a burglar thinks? Well, because, if they’re going to go to the trouble of stealing my TV or computer, the least I can do is make the screens smudge-free and that they appreciate the fall fragrance air freshener (why, yes, that is Autumn Leaves!) during their stay.

That makes no sense to me either.

OK, well, what if someone else were to come in - maybe the fire department! If there were a blaze, I would want it to be noted that my home looked and smelled beautifully prior to the flame and smoke turning that bouquet into Burned Autumn Leaves.

Yeah, I still don’t get it.

Maybe this pre-travel mess-obsess is for the same reasons a woman might feel compelled to put on makeup before going to the gym (just mascara … and maybe lipstick … OK, and concealer) or fix the hair before going to a salon. Because we wish to keep up our own appearances - even though no one else appears to notice or care.

Or simply we just put the freak in neat freak. I’m OK with that.

And that is because after some time away, there’s nothing like walking into the perfect, pristine palace you call home.

You know, the sweet, serene sanctuary with the … pet fluff on the sofa (and on the counter! Ooh, someone’s in trouble!), kibble on the floor, new dust everywhere, piles of newspapers and mail on the counter and general stale funk (oops, too busy cleaning before the trip to remember to take out the trash or toss out expiring food from the refrigerator). And on top of all that, now there are bags to unpack and limitless loads of laundry to do.

Yes, all that pre-travel washing was, well, a wash.

It’s enough to make me want to go away again.

But first I’d have to clean. Come clean, email: [email protected] What’s in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman ’hood.