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At long last … fall TV season is in the air

Is it fall yet? Not quite.

Granted, most schools began their “fall” semesters almost three weeks ago (in sweltering August heat). And the Razorbacks have already played a couple of football games.

Celestially, fall officially arrives with the autumnal equinox Sept. 22, and the long-awaited fall TV season begins the very next day when broadcast networks celebrate with the time-honored “Premiere Week.”

The 2013-2014 TV season officially begins Sept. 23, so it’s high time we studied the offerings and warmed up the DVRs.

Premiere Weekisn’t as sacrosanct as it once was when shiny new shows were geared to the automobile industry’s unveiling its shiny new models. These days there are always a few shows that slip in early and a handful that tarry into October.

In addition, the networks have recently taken to announcing a number of series already in the works but slated for midseason. Frequently, some of the most promising programs are held back to avoid the fall rush.

All told, the five broadcast networks are set to offer 28 freshman programs for your consideration. Nine others are waiting in the wings for early next year.

If my email is any indication, viewers are ready to go. For weeks they’ve endured those irritating network pop-up ads - “Coming [fill in the day] this fall!” - that take up a third of the screen while they try to watch their programs. And the accompanying deluge of network commercials for the new shows aiming to pique interest before viewers grow sick of them.

But it’s confusing. All those commercials look enticing.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in almost 20 years on the TV beat, it’s that network publicity wizards can make any show look good in a 30-second ad. The sad fact is most new shows are mediocre at best - this season or any season. That’s why an average 65 percent will never see a second year.

A TV critic friend of mine has an apropos slogan, “I watch bad TV so you don’t have to.” Because I get to preview most new shows before you do, I also try to alert you to the good stuff as well as the bad. And there is some good stuff this fall. I’ve spent weeks sorting all the good, bad and in-between new shows. Here are the debut dates, a brief synopsis and my highly subjective (but discerning) individual grades.

As with most new seasons, low-scoring freshmen could greatly improve their scores by midterm, but a number of these shows will be sent packing before they get the chance.

ABC

ABC will offer four dramas and four comedies this fall. The network also boasts the season’s most highly anticipated drama, Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Sept. 24: Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., 7 p.m. Marvel’s secret agency from The Avengers comes to TV to protect us all. (Grade: A)

The Goldbergs, 8 p.m.Wonder Years wannabe multi-generational family sitcom set in the ’80s. (Grade: C)

Trophy Wife, 8:30 p.m. Young wife No. 3 deals with stepkids and wacky Nos. 1 and 2. Pros: Bradley Whitford, Marcia Gay Harden. (Grade: B- )

Lucky 7, 9 p.m. Blue-collar co-workers pool money, win lottery. Drama ensues. Pros: Producers include Steven Spielberg. (Grade: B+)

Sept. 25: Back in the Game, 7:30 p.m. Single mom moves in with estranged dad and coaches her son’s Little League team. Pros: Maggie Lawson (Psych), James Caan. (Grade: B)

Sept. 29: Betrayal, 9 p.m.Undistinguished soaper about infidelity, powerful families, murder and betrayal. (Grade: C)

Oct 2: Super Fun Night, 8:30 p.m. Awkward single BFFs and their changing dating scene. Pros: Rebel Wilson. (Grade: B)

Oct. 10: Once Upon a Time in Wonderland, 7 p.m. Once Upon a Time spinoff follows Alice’s adventures. Pros: John Lithgow voices the white rabbit. (Grade: A) CBS

The most-watched network got that way catering to a large older audience that likes few surprises and a lot of police procedurals.

This season, CBS begins with a schedule fairly intact. New on the plate will be only four comedies and one drama (another comes midseason). Among the sitcoms is The Crazy Ones, a gem starring a couple of fan favorites.

Sept. 23: Mom, 8:30 p.m. Newly sober single mom reunites with her free-spirited mom. Pros: Anna Farris, Allison Janney. (Grade: B-)

Hostages, 9 p.m. Surgeon must kill the president on the operating table or her hostage family dies. Pros: Toni Collette, Dylan McDermott. (Grade: C)

Sept. 26: The Millers, 7:30 p.m. Uneven comedy with newly divorced guy’s newly separated mom moving in. Pros: Will Arnett, Margo Martindale. (Grade: C+)

The Crazy Ones, 8 p.m.Innovative sitcom about a father-daughter advertising team. Pros: Robin Williams, Sarah Michelle Gellar, David E. Kelley. (Grade: A)

Sept. 30: We Are Men, 7:30 p.m. Jilted dude learns life lessons from divorced older dudes at rental complex. Pros: Kal Penn, Tony Shalhoub. Con: Jerry O’Connell. (Grade B) FOX

Fox will introduce six new shows this fall - three comedies, two dramas and a reality series - but is holding five more for midseason.

As usual, Fox premieres roll out early and late (into November) to avoid the competition.

Sept. 16: Sleepy Hollow, 8p.m. Ichabod Crane is zapped to the future to help solve crime. (Grade: C+)

Sept. 17: Dads, 7 p.m. Allstar cast wasted when crass, crude dads move back in with their sons. Con: Seth MacFarlane. (Grade: D) Brooklyn Nine-Nine, 7:30 p.m. Wacky high jinks at the police station. Pros: Andy Samberg, Andre Braugher. (Grade: A)

Sept. 27: Junior Master-Chef, 7 p.m. Food competition series with Gordon Ramsey helping kids cook. (Grade: C+)

Nov. 4: Almost Human, 7 p.m. Future cops paired with androids. Pro: J.J. Abrams. (Grade: B)

Nov. 8: Enlisted, 8:30 p.m. Silly Army comedy with brother commanding his dysfunctional siblings. (Grade: C) NBC

The fourth-place network needs hits and is betting on three new dramas and three new comedies. Fortunately, they include a couple of the most anticipated dramas and the preseason’s top comedy with the return of Michael J. Fox.

Sept. 23: The Blacklist, 9 p.m. The world’s most-wanted criminal and the fetching young FBI agent with whom he works. Pro: James Spader. (Grade: A)

Sept: 26: The Michael J.Fox Show, 8 p.m. Former news anchor with Parkinson’s disease decides to go back to work. (Grade: A)

Oct. 2: Ironside, 9 p.m. Remake of the old Raymond Burr cop series. Pro: Blair Underwood. (Grade: C-)

Oct. 3: Welcome to the Family, 7:30 p.m. Comic culture clash when the children of white and Latino families fall in love. Pros: Mike O’Malley, Mary McCormack. (Grade: B)

Sean Saves the World, 8 p.m. Gay single dad and his teen daughter. (Grade: D+)

Oct. 25: Dracula, 9 p.m.Stylish costume drama set in Victorian England. (Grade: A) THE CW

As it has in the past, The CW mini-network is parking during Premiere Week until the traffic clears. In October, only three new shows - all dramas - will debut. Saved for midseason are two dramas and a reality show.

Oct. 3: The Originals, 7 p.m. Vampire Diaries spinoff focuses on the original New Orleans vampire family. Yes, they’re all pretty. This is The CW. (Grade C)

Oct. 9: The Tomorrow People, 8 p.m. Pretty young people cope with special powers. (Grade B-)

Oct. 17: Reign, 8 p.m.Pretty teenage Mary Queen of Scots deals with sexual intrigue, mystery and enemies. (Grade C+)

Final advice: I realize your old favorites take priority over any newcomers and I’ll alert you to returning veterans as their premieres come up. Meanwhile, I suggest you either watch or record any new program that sounds the least bit interesting and sort them out later (if they last long enough).

Style, Pages 49 on 09/08/2013

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