It’s hard to discipline children. You can’t hit them. Timeouts are not effective. Now, a study by the University of Pittsburgh says yelling at teens and ’tweens - particularly when it involves cursing or insults - can be just as harmful as hitting. So what can you do?
Remember that the word “discipline” originally meant to teach, so look for opportunities to coach your child, not just punish him for a misstep.
“Discipline implies setting limits and boundaries,” said Vicki Hoefle, mother of six in Middlebury, Vt., and author of Duct Tape Parenting. “But the way we do it is, ‘I’m going to punish you when you do something I don’t like.’ It’s a completely wasted moment.”
No one wants to yell at her kids, and we usually feel bad when it happens. But most of us didn’t know it could be as damaging as the spankings we got when we were growing up.
The University of Pittsburgh study released in September looked at 967 middle-school students over a two-year period. Those whose parents used “harsh verbal discipline” such as yelling, cursing and using insults were more likely to be depressed or have behavior problems. The study found it was also not effective in getting children to stop what they were doing, and that it was damaging even to children in homes that were generally warm and loving.
“If you yell at your child, you either create somebody who yells back at you or somebody who is shamed and retreats,” said Meghan Leahy, a mother of three and a parenting coach in Washington.
“You’re either [creating] aggression or shame. Those are not characteristics that any parents want in their kids.”
There is a difference, of course, between being verbally abusive and using a sharply raised voice. Yelling alone is not always damaging, although the surprise of a sudden change in volume can cause a child to be fearful or anxious.
It’s often what is said that is harmful, says Deborah Sendek, program director for the Center for Effective Discipline.
“When people raise their voices, the message typically isn’t, ‘Wow, I love you, you’re a great child,’” Sendek says. “You’re usually saying something negative …”
It’s nearly impossible to never yell at your child. It’s going to happen. Even if you’re not calling your child names or insulting him, there are more effective ways to deal with disciplinary problems than yelling, Leahy says.
“Teens and ’tweens, especially, find our sensitive underbellies, and when they are outright defiant and what they do flies in the face of expectations, we do yell,” says Leahy, whose oldest daughter, Sophia, will be 10 in January. “But it’s definitely not in the toolbox of what’s effective discipline.”
What can harried parents do to get through to that child who, despite being asked 10 times to brush his teeth, is still playing with the cat and about to be late for school? Here are suggestions from parenting experts on how to keep behavioral problems from turning you into a screaming lunatic, and how to recover from it on the(hopefully rare) occasions when you do yell.
Take a break.
Sometimes you are better off pushing the pause button and revisiting the problem in 20 minutes or the next morning.
When Hoefle’s children, now ages 19 to 24, were younger and she felt herself losing her temper, she would put a hard candy in her mouth or look at a sweet picture of her child. That was often enough to make her consider her response more carefully.
Put a stop to recurring arguments.
Figure out when, and why, you’re most often losing your temper, Hoefle says.
Do you yell at your son every morning because he’s dawdling in the shower when you are trying to get everyone out the door on time? Tell him what you want him to do. And hold him to it.
Be clear and consistent with expectations.
Kids want and crave limits and structure, so it’s important to set boundaries and stick to them, the Center for Effective Discipline’s Sendek says.
Don’t get into the habit of asking your child to do something multiple times. Instead tell her what will happen if she doesn’t. Be specific and follow through.
Leahy says she calmly refuses to be swayed by her daughter’s attempts to negotiate, recalling a time recently when she told Sophia she wouldn’t drive her to a choir concert at school because Sophia had been disrespectful.
“There was a lot of wailing, crying, deep breathing, and then she said, ‘I’m sorry,’ ” Leahy says. “I said thanks, and she looked at me, and I said, ‘I’m still not taking you.’”
Monitor your tone.
When you yell, Sendek says, your child will not remember what you said. He will only remember that you yelled, and how upsetting that was.
“It’s a physiological response,” Sendek says. “When someone yells, your system goes on hyper-alert.”
Instead of yelling, Sendek says, use a stern tone of voice to get your child’s attention and let him know that what you are saying is important. Get face to face with him and make eye contact.
Let go of the small stuff.
We all want children with perfect table manners, impeccable hygiene and strong moral character. Sometimes, though, you need to pick what is most important to you, or to your child’s safety, and let some of the irritating, but less dire, behaviors slide, Sendek says.
“Decide what are those things that are very critical to you: drugs, sex, alcohol,” she says. “Those should have dire consequences. With other things, say, ‘OK, you didn’t pick up your shoes and that drives me crazy, but I can live with it.’”
Giving child timeout just a waste of time
Many parents use timeouts to deal with undesirable behavior in children younger than 5. It goes like this: Child breaks rule. Parent puts child in an isolated location (the naughty chair) and ignores him for one minute per year of age, while the child considers his behavior. When time’s up on the timeout, parent and child discuss the problem behavior, hug and move on.
Sounds simple, right? Too bad experts say it doesn’t really work.
“You’re sending the kid into a room, and the message is, ‘I don’t approve of who you are in this moment when you made a mistake, so I want you away from me,’” says Vicki Hoefle, the author of Duct Tape Parenting. It’s far better, Hoefle says, to talk to your child about her behavior in the moment than to banish her and her feel guilty.
“You’re missing an opportunity to sit down and say to your kids, ‘How well did that work for you?’” Hoefle says. “That self-assessment is far more important to a kid’s mental and emotional health than a prescribed when-you-break-rules get-sent-away.”
Young children also are not developmentally able to contemplate what they have done wrong, says Meghan Leahy, a mother of three and parenting coach in Washington, so the time in isolation is wasted. Older preschoolers, in particular, are unwilling to sit in timeout, she says.
“They get up and now here you are, a grown woman chasing a 4-year-old around the house, grabbing her and forcing her on to a step,” Leahy says. “Whatever infraction garnered the punishment is forgotten and now you’re in a full physical struggle to learn a lesson that they’re not cognitively able to learn.”
Deborah Sendek, program director for the Center for Effective Discipline, says timeouts can work if used correctly and sparingly, but a better approach is to communicate expectations to your children and have natural consequences when they break the rules (for example, you leave your bike outside overnight, you lose your bike for a week).
“What works better is discipline, which is teaching,” Sendek says. “It’s more that communication about what needs to happen, why their behavior is inappropriate, and what should happen instead.” - Mari-Jane Williams
Family, Pages 34 on 10/30/2013