So I’ve learned something about myself. I’m not very good at watching television.
OK, I know. That’s kind of a hard thing not to be good at. And no, I don’t have “breathe in, breathe out” written on my hands, just in case I forget. It’s just that I have a tiny little attention span and most of my long- and short-term memory is given over to critical information like the infield of the early 1970s Detroit Tigers (Cash, McAuliff e, Rodriquez, Brinkman at short and Freehan behind the plate.
I think we all recognize the importance of knowing that.).
The whole attention-span-already-occupied memory thing would be all right, except television sort of requires both attention and memory, if nothing else. That and the ability to suspend belief and convince oneself any of those people are, actually, “amazing. And that true love is only a flower and an all-expense-paid trip to Bora Bora away.
All of which sort of explains a recent conversation I had with the lovely Mrs. Smith.
Me: “So what are we doing here?”
TLMS: “We’re watching television. “Game of Thrones.”
Me: “Did that blond lady just say ‘I want my dragons back?’ OK, I have a rule: First time I hear ‘I want my dragons back,’ I get to leave the room.”
TLMS: “Hmm … I’m not too familiar with that rule,but I do remember the rule that says that anyone who doesn’t want to watch television with me has to go to the store and get feminine hygiene products. And can’t go through self-checkout.”
Me: “Oooookay, so what’s this show about?”
TLMS: “Groups of people from diverse backgrounds and with special skills form alliances to capture the ultimate goal.”
Me: “The dragons?”
TLMS: “Nope, they’re kind of a door prize.”
Me: “I would have gone with the toaster oven, myself. Though I bet those guys could sure get your Pop Tart warm in a hurry.
When does Robin Hood show up?”
TLMS: “He doesn’t.
This isn’t England, it’s Westeros.”
Me: “Oh, I know where that is. East of Shreveport on the way to Jackson. So all these guys are after ducks? Well, at least that explains the beards.”
TLMS: “Westeros, not West Monroe. Different show. You’re thinking of ‘Duck Dynasty.’ Here, there are no ducks. And no, nothing really explains those beards.”
Me: “Is there an Easteros, or is that where the dragons live? Rougher neighborhood. Declining property values. And if this isn’t England, why do they all have British accents?”
TLMS: “They couldn’t find enough scruffy old American character actors.”
Me: “Maybe they actually should have gone to West Monroe. OK, this is starting to come together for me. The little guy there, don’t he and eleven other mining engineers want to help the lady who is actually Sleeping Beauty get to be mayor of some town in Maine?”
TLMS: “Nope. Different show. ‘Once Upon a Time.’”
Me: “Does it have dragons?”
TLMS: “Yes, but I don’t think they’re as committed to that plot line.”
Me: “OK, and the big blond guy with the funny accent. When does he turn into a vampire?”
TLMS: “He doesn’t.
Different show. ‘True Blood.’”
Me: “Oh, right, right, where he glitters in the sunlight and hangs out with the girl who needs to wash her hair more.”
TLMS: “Different different show. Movie, actually. ‘Twilight.’”
Me: “Dragons?”
TLMS: “Werewolves.”
Me: “So close. OK, so which one of these guys is Don Draper and who gets to run Atlantic City?”
TLMS: “None of them. Different show, different show. ‘Mad Men.’ ‘Boardwalk Empire.’”
Me: “Wow, so none of these guys drink, smoke and fool around on their wives?”
TLMS: “I wouldn’t say that. But they don’t get to wear sharp suits. And when they fool around they wind up with demon babies made out of smoke.”
Me: “Teething and colic can be rough on everyone.
Does Don Draper get a dragon?”
TLMS: “Well, I guess that would depend on what you think of Betty.
But no, not in the classic sense.”
Me: “Is there another sense for a dragon? OK, this is really becoming too much. People are cutting off appendages, there are demon children who seem like normal teenagers to me, gangsters, vampires, vampire gangsters, someone gets a rose, knights who aren’t knights because they’re from some place that ought to be England but isn’t, drunk advertising people and a bunch of guys sitting around not making duck calls for a living. Can I just turn the channel and watch a basketball game?”
TLMS: “Why do you find basketball so interesting?”
Me: “Oh, you know - groups of people from diverse backgrounds and with special skills form alliances to capture the ultimate goal.”
TLMS: “Any dragons?”
Me: “Grizzlies, Celtics, Hawks, a few weather conditions. No dragons.” GARY SMITH IS A RECOVERING JOURNALIST LIVING IN ROGERS.
Opinion, Pages 5 on 05/30/2013