Wednesday, May 1, 2013
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: For his 50th birthday, my mother gave my brother “Steven” the gold pocket watch that had belonged to her grandfather.
I don’t think this is fair. I’d asked Mom for that watch when I was a kid, and she told me then that one day it would be mine.
What should I do? It’s true that Steven and his family look after my mother. But that’s because Mom and I don’t really get along, and we’re only in touch a few times a year.
Even so, isn’t a mother obligated to honor a promise she made to her child? And shouldn’t Steven hand over the watch?
DEAR KEVIN: Don’t hold your breath waiting for that to happen.
Sorry, but when your mother told you years ago that her father’s watch would be yours, it wasn’t a promise. It was an expectation. And it was an expectation based on many other expectations -for example, that she would never need to sell the watch and that you would always be a loving and dutiful son. In other words, your mother wasn’t obligated to give you the watch if circumstances changed.
It would be different if you and she had had a deal - say, she’d said you could have the watch if you graduated from college, and you did.
But apparently there was no quid pro quo here.
You’re still free, of course, to ask your mother why she gave the watch to your brother.
From what you’ve said, though, you already know the answer: You’re not the caring, helpful adult she imagined you’d be when she told you her father’s watch would one day be yours - and Steven is picking up the slack.
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: When lending money to friends, relatives and co-workers, how long should you wait before saying something about not being repaid?
DEAR BRENDAN: Take Tony Soprano’s advice and nip it in the bud. In other words, wait 24 hours after you should have been paid, then say something (more nicely than Tony would, of course).
Waiting longer never increases the likelihood that the money will be repaid. Nor does it improve the odds of the relationship between the borrower and lender surviving the loan.
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: My mother is struggling financially and could lose her home. I’d like to lend her $20,000 of my 10-year-old daughter “Sophia’s” money so that she can at least pay off her mortgage. (Sophia has more than $250,000, money she received as the beneficiary of her godmother’s IRA.)
Is there anything unethical about what I have in mind? My daughter doesn’t need the money right now,my mother does, and I know Mom will pay Sophia back.
DEAR N.L.: Even if what you proposed weren’t unethical - and it is - this is a terrible idea.
That money is Sophia’s alone, not yours and nota resource for your entire family. Raiding your daughter’s nest egg to solve your mother’s financial problems would not only be a serious breach of your fiduciary duty to your daughter, it would be seriously irresponsible as well. How is your financially struggling mother going to come up with 20 grand to repay Sophia? And what will you do if she can’t? Explain to your 10-year-old that she should consider the money a five-figure gift to Granny?
We realize your intentions are good. But good intentions don’t count. Lend your mother the money yourself, if you can afford to. Otherwise, you’re going to have to help her get money from another source. Sophia’s inheritance is off-limits.
are the authors of Isn’t ItTheir Turn to Pick Up the Check?
Dealing With All of the Trickiest Money Problems Between Family and Friends (Free Press, 2008). E-mail them at
Family, Pages 35 on 05/01/2013