In reality show geography, Boston could be the new Louisiana (Swamp People, Duck Dynasty, Bayou Billionaires).
In the same way that Louisiana was the new New Jersey (Jersey Shore, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Jerseylicious).
After all, VH1’s new reality show Wicked Single (10 p.m. Sundays) takes place in Boston - a city steeped in history (its the site and namesake of key historical events like the Massacre and Tea Party) and culture (impressive universities, museums and athletic teams).
It’s also apparently a city steeped in “RBV.”
That’s short for Red Bull and Vodka.
And that’s how the developmentally delayed cast members of Wicked Single talk. They’re pushing 30, and yet still clubbing and living (“I like normal foods! Hot Pockets is as normal as it comes. Two minutes is all it takes!” proclaims one proudly) like college kids.
Chelsi, the youngest at 24, says, “The best thing about this group of friends: We’re all maniacs! We’re the loudest! We’re the craziest! We’re dancing the hardest. We’re up on the bar! We’re drinking the most!
“We’re having the best time!”
They might be. But the viewers aren’t. Think Jersey Shore. Only without warm weather, hot bodies and bathing suits. And without a sense of humor. And with more wrinkles (and not from the tanning bed) and cellulite (one cast member is even nicknamed Chubs, and a few others could be). And with possibly more annoying accents.
“Work hah-d, but pah-ty hah-dah,” says 28-year-old Rachel, explaining her life philosophy.
As for her work and relationship philosophies, she’s in medical device sales, “because, hey, I might be able to find a dahc-tah!” She either plans to freeze her eggs or “find a professional sports player to have a one-night stand with and then have the baby with.” She just can’t figure out why she’s single.
As for the name of the show, it would seem to come from Nikki, Rachel’s 28-year old best friend (or is she really 30 like she says at one point? We’d think she’s lying about her age, but after getting better acquainted with her, we’re positive she just can’t count.).
Nikki tells the camera, “I’m single. I’m wicked single, but I’m dating.”
She’s the one who really needs to be dating a “dahctah,” because she’s always injuring herself. Before they get into the cab for a ride to the club. And then again at the club, where she breaks her wrist.
“I can honestly say this has never happened,” she says, before recounting worse incidents. “I’ve cracked my head open. I fell down a flight of stairs and broke my nose. Hi, my name is Nicole, and I fall.”
There are a few others. Like Joe, Chubs’ former fraternity brother and current roommate, who has been canoodling with Rachel. Like Renee, who Joe has been canoodling with while canoodling with Rachel. Like Jamie, Renee’s friend, who just de-friended Rachel for being too drunk and dramatic.
Rachel announces she is, like, done with Joe and Jamie (although the season previews say otherwise).
She says, “I just don’t want this bull++++ in my life, and I don’t want people … who will, like, bring me down.”
Same here. Which is why we’ll never watch Wicked Single again.
But what if we are left with a crippling case of “FOMO?”
That, Chelsi explains, is a “fear of missing out.”
We’ll risk it.
Don’t be wicked, send a single e-mail to:
[email protected] Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture and a weekly segment on Little Rock’s KURB-FM, B98.5 at 7 a.m.Thursdays. Listen live and hear podcasts at b98.com.
Style, Pages 47 on 03/24/2013