MONEY MANNERS

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: When I was spending the weekend at my friend “Melissa’s,” we decided to go out to a club. Unfortunately, I’d forgotten to pack the belt I needed for what I wanted to wear. So Melissa dug out an old one from the back of her closet, handed it to me and said she’d sell it to me for $10. I was so surprised she didn’t just offer to lend it to me that I paid her. But now I’m annoyed, and I’m wondering what I should have said when she asked me for the money.

DEAR LAURA: Yo u should have said, “Would you take a buck to rent it to me for the evening?”

But who can think that quickly? So chalk this one up to experience. And next time you visit Melissa, pack carefully, very carefully.

DEAR JEANNE &LEONARD: My European daughter-in-law has decided that she wants to be “just friends” with my son. This is after “Ryan” spent a fortune on their destination wedding, on lawyers to get “Brigitte” residence and work permits, and on therapy and English lessons for her. Brigitte continues to live with Ryan, since she has no job and can’t afford to move out. She’s obviously in no hurry to get a divorce, and my son keeps on paying all the bills. But that’s his problem. Mine is this: If I were to die tomorrow, I believe Brigitte would be entitled by law to half of the money I left to Ryan (they live in California). How can I prevent this?

DEAR WORRIED: As Motown philosophers Mickey and Sylvia once observed, love is strange. Having been given a pink slip by a woman whose motives for marrying him in the first place seem somewhat suspect (a cushy life and permanent resident status, for openers), Ryan nevertheless appears to be content to continue in the relationship. So even if a lawyer can find a way to keep your bequest separate from Ryan and Brigitte’s marital assets - and we bet it’s possible - what’s to keep your son from voluntarily sharing his inheritance with his roommate? Our point: Your problem is not California’s community property laws, it’s Ryan. Until he figures out what a sponge his buddy Brigitte is and what a financial liability she represents, there’s only one thing you can do to protect his future inheritance: Keep breathing.

DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: When my sister and I took our parents to a restaurant for their anniversary, “Mandy” insisted on paying only for what she ate, what her daughter ate and half of what our parents ate, plus tax and tip on that amount. Personally, I thought we should have just split the bill, since we each brought one guest, plus our parents, and the difference wasn’t even $20. While I didn’t confront my sister at the restaurant, I was hurt and offended. We’re a family, not a firm of accountants. Wasn’t my sister wrong not to just pay half? She also used the occasion to claim that I’m always sticking her with more than her fair share of tabs. But it’s the first I’ve heard of it.

DEAR K.K.: Mandy was not wrong to ask for what amounts to separate checks. That’s never an unreasonable request. However, given the resentment your sister appears to harbor toward you on this point, she should have raised the issue before the party and not in front of your parents, especially on their anniversary. Just because your sister behaved boorishly, though, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take her complaint seriously. Indeed, your apparent belief that any imbalance less than $20 doesn’t matter suggests that the complaint may be well-founded. Sorry, but it’s time for you to consider the possibility that you’ve been paying less than you should have been.

Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz are the authors of Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?

Dealing With All of the Trickiest Money Problems Between Family and Friends (Free Press, 2008). E-mail them at

[email protected]

Family, Pages 39 on 03/13/2013