Dear Otus,
Every July 4th is really sucky because my dad won’t let us shoot off anything bigger than bottle rockets and sparklers. All the cool kids have M-80s and cherry bombs. What can me and my friends do?
- Don Kemske, Little Rock
Dear Don,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you. And I admire your pluck, even though true M-80s and cherry bombs have been illegal since 1966 because they have more than 50 milligrams of flash powder and will blow your fingers off and put out an eye.
But why mess around? Make your own big bang! Go gather all your little friends and come back and read the rest of this column to them. I’ll wait.
Ready? OK. Good morning, boys and girls. Can you all say thermonuclear device (thermo-NU-clee-ur dee-VICE)? Or, to quote former President George W. Bush, “NU-cu-lar.”
I thought you could.
Uncle Otus loves July Fourth and fireworks, too (once I come out from under the bed). Here’s a little science experiment I learned from TV when I was just about your age (in cat years). Let’s call it the M-5000.
Assemble all the materials you will need in a clean, dry area. Today we will make a small implosion device - the kind that gives you the best bang for your buck. You’ll need:
About six pounds of weapons-grade plutonium (plu-TONE-ee-um). You can get it from just about any former Soviet nuclear scientist hiding out in countries ending in -stan. If you must substitute, use the same amount of highly enriched uranium (you-RAY-nee-um).
Next, you’ll need about 800 pounds of high explosives. Uncle Otus prefers Semtex (SIM-tex). Semtex is easy to work with and available just about anywhere mining supplies are sold.
Get yourself about a halfdozen detonators (DET-tonaa-torz) and detonator wire to set off the Semtex.
Finally, you’ll need a remote-controlled detonating device, such as a battery and clock radio. Trust me, you will want to be far, far away when you set off your M-5000.
First, shape your plutonium into a perfect sphere. Sphere means a ball. It must be exactly round with no bumps or holes. This is called the “pit.” Make the pit about the size of a tennis ball.
Put the pit into a reflecting shell in order to help the neutrons (NEW-trons) in their chain reaction (ree-ACK-shun).
Next, surround the pit with your Semtex in a perfect ball and place the detonators evenly all around the ball. You must make sure they are evenly placed because the Semtex must explode all at the same time if your M-5000 is going to work.
Once you have done that, you are ready to attach the detonating device.
Take your M-5000 to a big field as far away from buildings and people as possible. If it works as it’s supposed to, everything within a quarter-mile radius will be instantly vaporized and you’ll be left with a really big hole in the ground where nothing will live for 10,000 years.
When you are all set, start the timing device on your detonator and run away very quickly.
Run faster than that.
If you have constructed (cun-STRUC-ted) your M-5000 correctly, when the timer reaches zero, the Semtex will explode and the shock wave will compress (cum-PRESS) the plutonium into what scientists call “critical (CRIT-uh-cull) mass.” Then something really neat happens.
At critical mass, the radioactive (RAY-dee-oh-ACK-tive)material will start a chain reaction. The neutrons will bounce around inside the reflective sphere and the atoms will split. This is known as “fission” (FISH-un). This will cause other atoms around them to split real fast and give off a very, very big burst of energy.
You will be able to see and hear the big bang from a long way away.
How far? Well, your M-5000 will produce a force equal to 20,000 tons of TNT. That’s about the same as 720 million cherry bombs! You could hear that many cherry bombs from very far away, indeed.
So, you see how it’s important that you explode your M-5000 well away from your house and that cranky neighbor who keeps telling you to get off his lawn.
Until next time, Kalaka reminds you to come back next week, when Otus explains electromagnetism (ee-LECKtro-MAG-nuh-tiz-um).
Disclaimer Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. E-mail:
HomeStyle, Pages 32 on 06/29/2013