Dear Otus,
Puh-leeze! I thought we fought a war in 1776 so we wouldn’t have to put up with all this British royal claptrap.
- Edward Pakenham, Vilonia
Dear Edward,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and a further pleasure to gently admonish you for your lack of even mild fervor for the joyous gift the British have bestowed upon a world weary of bad news.
The birth of little Prince George allows us to celebrate, if only for a few brief days, the traditions of our ancestors from whom we separated many years ago in a different age.
True, we fought a little war to shed ourselves of the British crown but, if you’ll recall, King George III was crazy. Literally, due to acute porphyria.
The distant American Colonists were the poor red-headed stepchildren of the far-flung British empire back then, but had we been able to work things out, we could have become, say, South Canada or something more amenable to our mutual benefit.
Instead, we chucked it all and struck out on our own. We celebrate the American Revolution and the Fourth of July, but it almost didn’t take. We can thank the French for keeping the British occupied during our inchoate years.
It’s true. Had Napoleon not been causing trouble during the War of 1812, the crown would have gotten serious about us and the nascent United States would have felt the jack-booted heel of British oppression that would have made Ireland look like a walk in the park.
As it was, the Brits burned Washington and attacked Baltimore in 1814, and one last attempt to conquer America resulted in the sanguinary Battle of New Orleans early in 1815. This, Edward, was the real battle that saved America. Here is your history lesson for today.
American forces in the area, under the command of Maj. Gen. Andrew Jackson, had been subsisting on a diet of a little bacon and a little beans. So they were feeling most peckish when the bloody British disembarked from their invasion fleet east of New Orleans.
The invasion force, an estimated 8,000 grizzled veterans, was met by approximately 4,000 rag-tag Americans hiding behind cotton bales on Chalmette Plantation four miles east of town.
Of the Americans, about 1,000 were unseasoned regular military. The rest were Louisiana, Tennessee, Kentucky and Mississippi state militia, a few Choctaw warriors, 400 free blacks, and a smattering of pirates of the Caribbean who served as artillery crews.
All the troops were armed with squirrel guns. The key to victory: 58 were U.S. Marines (booyah!).
The impressive British force, which included the veteran 93rd Highlanders, included 100 high-steppin’ drummers and buglers.
General Jackson’s plan was to refrain from firing so as not to reveal his lack of numbers until they “see’d their faces well.”
The American force also contained 16 cannons of various calibers and, apparently, made from inferior bronze. It’s reported that the cannons were fired until the barrels melted down.
It was at that point that the artillery crews of pirate Jean Lafitte used a secret weapon that revolutionized artillery for years to come.
Eyewitnesses reported that inventive cannoners grabbed an alligator, filled his head with cannon balls and powdered his behind. When they touched the powder off, “the ’gator lost his mind.” And most everything else.
The resulting carnage, along with reptilian offal, so unnerved the astonished British that they ran through the briers and they ran through the brambles. They ran through the bushes where a rabbit couldn’t go.
The withdrawal was rapid. The British ran so fast that the hounds couldn’t catch ’em. The dogs, an impressive K-9 corps of 28 registered, pedigreed black and tan bloodhounds from the plantation, gave up in the cypress swamps east of the city.
The Brits never again threatened American sovereignty. In fact, they became our quaint British cousins across the pond, and anglophiles all across the country happily follow the royal lives and hang on every word about the new baby.
Of course, these are the same folks who follow American “royalty” and dote on their quirky babies: Gwyneth Paltrow (Apple); Gwen Stefani (Zuma Nesta Rock); Courteney Cox (Coco); Ving Rhames (Reignbeau, Freedom); Ashlee Simpson (Bronx Mowgli); Jason Lee (Pilot Inspektor); Michael Jackson (Blanket); Beyonce (Blue Ivy); Alicia Keys (Egypt); Angelina Jolie (Zahara, Maddox, Shiloh, Pax, Knox, Vivienne); Bruce Willis (Rumer, Scout, Tallulah); and the ultimate American royalty, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West (North).
Until next time, Kalaka reminds you that the new prince is going to be called by a nickname, Willikate.
Disclaimer Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. Email:
HomeStyle, Pages 32 on 07/27/2013