Dear Otus,
I will give them my monkeys when they pry them from my cold dead hands!
- Carino Scimmia, Tontitown
Dear Cary,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and your monkey. In 33 years of writing this column I’ve never (to my knowledge) received a hand-written note from a monkey.
Readers: Inside an envelope left at the front desk, Cary (he says his friends call him Cary) included a long letter he penned and a short note written by his eldest monkey, Galen, a long-tailed macaque. He also has two other macaques in his family - Cornelius and Zira.
Despite my extensive education, I am unable to read macaque, which contains fuliginous prose unlike, say, the fairly rudimentary chimpanzee or orangutan, and basic galago and inchoate tarsier.
Cary, however, attached a translation: “Please, kind sir, use your not inconsiderable persuasive skills to stop the jack-booted thugs from various state agencies from interfering with peaceful primate-loving citizens who desire nothing more than to be left alone to pursue happiness as is their God-given right as Americans guaranteed in the Declaration of Independence and influenced by Locke’s Two Treatises of Government.”
First of all, I am suitably impressed that a monkey can write a note, albeit in macaque. However, I am stunned that the same monkey can cite John Locke, especially where he delves into the “indolency of body” portion of Two Treatises. That’s complicated stuff. I, myself, had to read it twice to get the gist.
Cary says he was in town last week to deliver a letter of protest to Gov. Mike Beebe about the Aug. 18 implementation of a new law that will require primate owners to register their animals as “exotic pets.” Cary says as far as his “family” is concerned, the very word “pet” is anathema.
What he is concerned about is Arkansas HB 1391, introduced by well-known animal lover and Yankee transplant Rep. Warwick Sabin (D-33), which prohibits the future private possession of apes, chimpanzees, baboons and macaques as “exotic pets.”
The measure, which was signed into law by Beebe in April, also requires all current primate owners to register their animals with local law enforcement and to abide by the federal Animal Welfare Act’s caging standards for primates, as well as not to allow the public to come into direct contact with the animals.
For Cary, this was a slap in the face, and he hoped to confront Beebe and introduce him to his three macaques in the governor’s conference room at the state Capitol.
Although Galen, Cornelius and Zira were on their best behavior (better than some children who visit the Capitol), Capitol Police refused to allow Cary and his monkeys past the lower level visitor’s desk.
Cary did manage, however,to turn over a copy of his protest to Secretary of State Mark Martin, who was passing thorough after having lunch at nearby OW Pizza. Martin loves the Smackaroni Salad.
After asking whether the monkeys were Republicans, Martin said he would keep a close eye on the implementation of the law to ensure that all Arkansas primates, including those of the nonvoting, nonhuman persuasion, are treated with equanimity and sensitivity.
Cary says it’s not the registration fee that upsets him. His three monkeys will set him back only a total of $70. It’s the fact that the new law will prevent him from taking his family on the cultural outings that they have come to love over the years.
Cary says he has been welcomed at many public events and venues with no problems, but that since the law was passed, people look at him and his animals “differently.”
As an example, Cary says that from the Capitol, he tried to take his family over to the Clinton library to view the Oscar de la Renta fashion exhibit.
“The gang loves Oscar de la Renta,” Cary wrote. “Zira, especially, loves his haute couture for the house of Balmain. She has one of his scarves and a navy pique trapeze dress she wears on special occasions.”
Sadly, library security would not allow the Scimmia family inside and the monkeys contented themselves by splashing around in the fountain out front until the guards ran them off from there, too. A friendly Texas tourist took their photo (see above) before they hopped on the Clinton Museum Store’s electric CitEcar shuttle and rode away.
“The government that can order you to register your monkeys can order you to register your firearms and order you to buy health insurance,” Cary wrote.
Until next time, Kalaka reminds you, “Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak for me.” Disclaimer Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. Email:
HomeStyle, Pages 34 on 07/20/2013