LITTLE ROCK — DEAR JEANNE AND LEONARD: My husband and I disagree about how to be fair when giving gifts to our grandchildren. Neither of us wants to ever favor one child over another. But I say that means giving the kids gifts that have the same value, while my husband says we should be giving them gifts that cost about the same amount. So if I buy one grandchild a $50 toy and pay full price for it, but buy the other grandchild a $50 toy on sale for $25, my husband says we need to spend another $25 on the second child. Could he be right?
- Debbi
DEAR DEBBI: In a word, no. You should go with the value, not the price, of the gifts. A bargain on one toy doesn’t entitle the child for whom it’s intended to more goodies than his siblings and cousins are getting.
If, though, your goal is not just to be fair but to avoid ruffling the feathers of your grandchildren or their parents, then give each child a gift worth and costing the same amount. No one can take exception to that.
DEAR JEANNE AND LEONARD: I’m wondering about my friend “Sarah’s” ethics. At my request, she came with me when I went to look for a used car. I found one I liked, but while the salesman was willing to lower the price, he insisted that $12,200 was the best he could do. At that point, Sarah excused herself to make a call. When she returned, she said she’d spoken to her husband, who’d told her that under no circumstances should I pay more than $11,000. Long story short, I got the car for $11,000. Later, Sarah told me that she’d never talked to her husband - that she’d made the whole thing up. Now I’m wondering, isn’t it wrong to lie in order to get a better price? I’m uneasy.
- Nicki
DEAR NICKI: If you’re too uneasy, you can always write the dealer a check for $1,200.
Seriously, don’t worry. All Sarah did was bluff. And she bluffed in an environment where bluffing is the norm. Here’s proof: Though the salesman at first insisted that $12,200 was his best offer, he lowered the price 10 percent when faced with losing the sale. So obviously he’d been bluffing, too. You can scarcely fault Sarah for playing by the same rules. Instead, she deserves to be complimented on her negotiating skills.
DEAR JEANNE AND LEONARD:I’ve had to borrow money from a friend several times in the past few years, money I’ve always paid back. But recently when I asked “Alan” for a loan, he refused. He said he didn’t want to see me continue to impoverish myself by constantly giving money to my “sponge of a daughter.” It’s true “Amber” often needs my help, but she’s a single mother who’s had a string of bad luck. Since I’ve always repaid Alan, isn’t he wrong to refuse me the money - and to stick his nose into my business like that?
- F.G.
DEAR F.G.: Sorry, but when you asked Alan for a loan, you made your finances his business.
We know, Alan’s criticism stung. But it wasn’t unreasonable for him to consider what you wanted his money for and decide he wasn’t interested. Nor was Alan obligated to lend you more money just because you’ve repaid him in the past. That wasn’t a good deed you did. That was your obligation.
A final thought (and please don’t get mad): Since Alan’s a close enough friend to have repeatedly lent you money, perhaps you should take seriously what he has to say about Amber.
Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz are the authors of Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check? Dealing With All of the Trickiest Money Problems Between Family and Friends (Free Press, 2008). Email them at
Family, Pages 35 on 01/09/2013