LITTLE ROCK — Gather ‘round kids. Your mother and I want to have a serious talk about the bills. Would somebody call Little Johnny from the backyard? And where’s Beth? We need everybody in the living room! That includes you, Aunt Clara. Everybody in the house! Family meeting!
There now. Everybody get comfortable, because this is going to take a minute. Don’t groan. I don’t like family meetings any more than you do, but we need one at the moment. The faster everybody gets settled, the faster your mother and I will get finished and you can all go back to whatever it was you were doing.
Okay. Now then. I don’t have to tell you that we’re living beyond our means. Y’all have taken the phone calls from the bill collectors. We have a shutoff notice on the water bill and cable.And the credit-card people are calling your mother and me at work. (Which doesn’t exactly please our bosses.) Your mother and I have been talking about our financial problems for a long while now, and we both agree that some changes are going to have to be made around here.
Sooner or later, we’re going to have to come up with a way to either bring in more income or cut expenses. Probably both. Your mother and I were tossing some ideas around a few months ago, and we’ve postponed and postponed and delayed and delayed, but now the matter has come to a head.
Your mother wants to cut back on the household expenses. I want more income to pay for even more stuff for us all. Your mother, I must say, has been adamant. Even stubborn. So we agreed that if we couldn’t come to some kind of agreement by this week, we’d force ourselves to cut expenses and raise revenue across the board.
As far as revenue goes, by the way, we’re going to need your babysitting money, Beth. But we’ll talk about that later.
I’d like to talk about the cuts right now. Since I’m the one in charge of cutting expenses, and your mother is being so . . . thick-headed, here’s what’s going to happen:
Food is out. No more grocery shopping for us.
What’s that? Why not drop movie night? No, no, Johnny. Your mother says we have to cut, so we’re going to cut.(And we’ll see how she likes it.) So eating is done. How do you like that, honey?
Oh, here’s another thing: Um, I’m just going to let them cut off the water. I’m not dropping my book club, and we’ll manage to keep my hunting lease, but we’re definitely going to shut off the water. (You don’t look too happy, dear.) That means no more washing-of anything-and no more bathroom visits. We can use the facilities at the convenience store down the road.
Instead of making cuts where they won’t be felt as much, we’re going to make this as painful as we can for everybody in the house. Until your mother decides I’m right and she’s wrong and we need to find her that second job. Which will show her.
We can’t do without the boat, of course. Or my entertainment budget. But maybe we could do without electricity. Hey, it’ll be like a camp-out! And we’ll make this 2.3 percent cut in household expenses come from the most important budget items, or anyway the ones you all love the most. And just remember: This is all your mother’s fault.
WE’LL CUT the expenses for security, for education, for hospitals, for safe air travel, for trips to the national parks, for vaccinations. And while we’re at it, let’s get all those illegal immigrants now in custody back on the street. Now then, honey, how do you like them apples?
It doesn’t matter that our household expenses have grown 17 percent over the last five years, not including the $276-billion stimulus we got for Christmas. It doesn’t matter that we’ve already raised household revenue once this year. (Remember the extra withholding taken out of your allowances after January 1st?) I just can’t find the cuts your mother insists on. Not in places that would affect you so much that you’d really, really feel it. So it’s going to be painful all the way around.
I’ll make sure of it.
Now then, don’t you all dislike mommy’s little plan? And let me just add, my lady, that if you don’t back off and get that second job, you’re going to force a lot of pain on this whole household. And you know who’ll get the blame.
Meeting’s over, people. I’ve got a golf trip to plan. Beth, before I leave, let’s talk about that babysitting money.
Editorial, Pages 14 on 02/28/2013