LITTLE ROCK — To: Grammy talent
From: CBS
Re: Your “sheer” (and bare and shirtless) insubordination
Perhaps we weren’t clear enough with the last memo.
Prior to last Sunday’s 55th annual Grammys, we sent an e-mail that one of you forwarded to Dateline.com (was it you, Skylar Grey? You with the high neckline but defiant side bosom reveal?) that then went viral ... like the chest cold we hope you caught. It read:
“CBS Program Practices advises that all talent appearing on camera please adhere to Network policy concerning wardrobe. Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic.Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible ‘puffy’ bare skin exposure.”
Straightforward, right? Simple, right? Plain-spoken (admittedly too plain-spoken. We’re still red-faced and cringing over the “puffy bare skin” part), right?
So how come so many ofyou got it wrong?
Katy Perry, we appreciated your floor length, long-sleeve mint Grammy gown. What we did not appreciate: your two Golden Globes popping out of the top.
Miranda Lambert, we admire your work with the Pistol Annies. We just wish your black dress would have kept your own pistols concealed and holstered.
Kelly Rowland, formerly of Destiny’s Child, your body is looking more bootylicious than ever. And we know this because you showed more than ever in that skimpy cut-out gown. No wonder Beyonce cut you out of the group.
Rihanna, nice jewelry. Unfortunately no one noticed the rings on your finger, only the ones on your chest through that see-through red dress. And to think we only worried about your choice of accessory on your arm (bad-boy boyfriend Chris Brown).
Wiz Khalifa, no shirt under that patterned suit? We said that female breasts should be concealed, and you performed exhibiting every kind - side, bottom, top - of cleavage? Oh, wait, you’re a “Boy” (like your goofy ball-cap declared). What a wiz you are indeed to find this loophole.
Jennifer Lopez, we haven’t seen so much skin from you since you were with Puffy (by that we mean the rapper, not a reference to our regrettably worded memo). We have a new nickname for you after seeing that dress that displayed your entire right lower limb: J. Leg.
Adele, you’re the exception. You were completely covered up in that fusty flowered frock. We applaud you for remaining modest in your red carpet outfit. Which reminds us, please return our red carpet.
Bare your thoughts, e-mail: [email protected] Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture and a weekly segment on Little Rock’s KURB-FM, B98.5 at 7 a.m.Thursdays. Listen live and hear podcasts at b98.com.
Style, Pages 53 on 02/17/2013