It wasn’t all bad

NO SIR, you don’t have to use the couch. Take a chair right there. Or, if you please, just lie down. These sessions are all about making you comfortable enough to . . . well, to do whatever we need to do. If that means stretching out, by all means do. You can look at me face-to-face, or you could sit with your back to me, or you could walk around the room. Just do what makes you comfortable.

Uh, sure, the liquor cabinet is real. That’s not tea over there. If it makes you more comfortable, I’ll make you a-

Or, help yourself. Sure.

Want any water or Coke with that? The soda is right over-

Or not. I see you take it straight. No, no, that’s not a criticism, just an observation.

You know, having read about you all year, and seeing this message you gave my secretary, I have to say you haven’t been all bad. I mean, goodness, there was a lot of bad, but there was also a lot of good in you this year. You know, I’ve had other years on my couch-most of them, in fact-and some of them were real head cases.

Which ones? Well, I’m not allowed to discuss specific patients, you understand. But you could probably well imagine some of the worst ones. Some of them are still not at all well, even in retirement, even decades later. (Or longer.) Some may never be. There’s only so much even intensive therapy and modern medicine can do. Some years will be scarred forever, poor things.

But I have high hopes for you. I think we can get you where you want to be. Eventually. With the proper management. And a little post-therapy. Just watch the self-medication.

Please, have another. I’ll call you a taxi when we’re done.

HOW ABOUT we focus on the positives this session? How about the new pope who came along in March? The kids love him. Heck, everybody seems to love him. Not even pizza has an 88 percent approval rating. And this man seems to really live what he preaches. Not that all the popes don’t live it, you understand. I wouldn’t want to judge any of them, lest I be . . . well, you know the rest. But this pope, well, I think the clinical term for him would be Wow! I haven’t seen anybody like him since John Paul. John Paul the Great, I mean. Talk about great PR for the church. And like the best PR, this pope seems real. There may be something to this Christianity thing after all.

Talk about good press, how about that Malala Yousafzai, eh? And talk about overcoming obstacles. Like being gunned down by the Taliban. She’s now touring the world and giving speeches at, oh, places like the United Nations. I’m not sure anything can help that outfit, but if anybody could, it’d be that girl. She’s only 16, you know. Wait till she turns 20 or 21, and really starts changing the world.

And a new royal heir was born. This one in Great Britain. And who knows? Maybe a future president of the United States was born, too. Or a future president of your local PTA. That’s the thing about years, you guys always give humanity more babies. Which means more hope. One of your kids, Mr. 2013, might cure cancer. What stories you could tell at the retirement home with that kid’s picture in your wallet!

Best of all, it doesn’t look like there’s going to be a date that lives in infamy on your watch. Of course there’s always time for disaster, but so far there hasn’t been another December 7th or September 11th or even November 22nd on your watch. For that, we can all be truly grateful.

YES, I understand. And I appreciate your opening up. There will be a lot of people in Boston, and elsewhere, who will never be able to forget April 15th, and the bombings. And, in Syria, your August 21 may always be remembered for that chemical attack. In that country, every day sounds like a bloodbath.

Okay. I’ll also give you November 8th and the typhoon in the Philippines, too.

That “spontaneous” assault on our outpost in Benghazi was no picnic. And neither were the attempts to paint it as something other than a terrorist attack. All so sad.

Yes, Nelson Mandela was lost on your watch. Along with Margaret Thatcher. But the great have to go sometime-just like the rest of us.

Yes, I know we lost some delightful people on your watch. James Gandolfini. Jonathan Winters. Tom Clancy. Lou Reed. George Jones. Pat Summerall. Roger Ebert.

But you can’t be judged on the basis of who left us during your time. Quit beating yourself up over that. If every year stewed over the people it lost, it wouldn’t have a very happy retirement.

So much that was good happened on your watch. Let’s focus on that. They say a baby was cured of HIV this year. For all we know, that could very well be what people most remember about you: the year that a cure for HIV was finally discovered. Also, during your tenure, that Voyager 1 broke free of the solar system, and is now said to be somewhere out there in interstellar space. Another giant slalom for mankind.

Here’s something else to think about: 2014 will be an election year, at least for Congress.

There! I knew that would make you smile. You missed it by this much! Narrow escape.

Well, I’m glad you feel better. No, no, we’ll send you a bill.

Here’s your toga. Do you have directions to the retirement home? That’s great.

Thank you, but I’m just doing my job, trying to help. Do take care, and call on me if you ever need to talk.

Yes, you can have one for the road. But do allow me to call you a taxi . . . . Friends don’t let friends, you know.