A Letter To The Chief Facilitator

To: Ms. Hiawatha Bronte-Dickinson, Chief Facilitator of the Self-Enlightenment Process, the Bright Tomorrow Ashram, Meditation Center, Hot Yoga Facility and Day School

From: the Jones-Kierkegaard’s

Re: Concerns about the upcoming multi-cultural Holiday celebration

Hi, Hi (I just love saying that!). Hope the holiday season finds you well and sufficiently recovered from BTAMCHYFDS’s annual fund raising knit-off and car wash. A note: perhaps in the future we might consider a more appropriate time than December for a car wash.

However, my husband and I are thrilled to hear your frostbite won’t stop your Asian flute playing during “One Big World Day.” Mr. Jones-Kierkegaard has promised to take up some new personal grooming processes in honor of the event. Something about “ripping off his own eyebrow.” I believe that’s a compliment in some South American cultures, though since Mr. J-K is actually from Des Arc, I’m not sure how he’d know that.

As I’m sure you’re aware, Mr. J-K was interested in a more “traditional” educational experience for our children, Snapdragon and Heimdallr. However, with my background in communal living, I was interested in a school that, as BTAMCHYFD’s Purpose Statement says “helps your child embrace the magic of the world and the beauty that resides within us all while becoming self-fulfilled and one with the universe.

And, if there’s time, learn to read and write.”

Having said that, I do want to express some concerns about one of the festival songs the children are being asked to sing. While I know we hate to use the term “political correctness,” as it implies that some views are “correct” and others aren’t, I’m wondering if we might make a better choice than “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.” Frankly, the lyrics disturb me.

For instance, the children are told they “better watch out, they better not cry.” So, is this really what we want, emotionally-stunted paranoids? Around the J-K household, we take to heart the lessons of Mr. Kickingbird-Chan’s “Find Your Voice” class and freely express our emotions. My husband, who initially expressed his emotions by energetically rolling his eyes and muttering, has taken to “letting it all out,” particularly during some Saturdays in the fall. During that time he uses the phrase “0 and 8” a lot, and mentions that eyebrow grooming thing. And his desire to take up home beer-making. Nice to see him take up a hobby.

But more about this disturbing song. Our children are told Santa is “making a list, checking it twice (what is he, an elf or Joseph McCarthy?), and that he’s “gonna find out whose naughty or nice.” I mean, where to start? Just the other day, Snapdragon asked me if Santa was with the NSA.

And aren’t “naughty” and “nice” just the sort of judgments we want our children to avoid? I asked Mr. J-K to help explain the difterence and he said in his experience, it was mostly a matter of context, and how good your attorney was. Then he went back to drinking his eggnog.

But, again, the song. We’re told that Santa “knows when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Now, I’m sure there would need to be a subpoena involved in gathering that sort of information. Frankly, the thought of that kind of invasion of their privacy has been emotionally-wrenching for our children. Heimdallr has been spending a lot of time outside “looking for Santa’s drone,” and overheard Snapdragon telling a classmate of hers whom she had seen visiting the mall Santa that “we know how to handle squealers around here.” In retrospect, perhaps we shouldn’t have pushed so hard to get her a role in BTAMCHYFDS’s musical version of “The Wire” last year.

Hi, I’m hoping you’ll take these well-intentioned concerns to heart. When I mentioned them to Mr. J-K, he became so distraught he stared at me catatonically for several minutes, then said he needed to go mow the lawn, since it was best to get it done before all the snow melted. I didn’t hear the mower, so perhaps he decided it didn’t really need it.

Perhaps we can discuss some other options at Tofu with Tots time this week.

I’ve taken the liberty of downloading some lovely Inuit tunes that sing about ice and walruses that might be less offensive. Perhaps you can accompany them on your flute. I know Mr. J-K would be thrilled.

Until then, happy holidays. Not, of course, to imply we don’t wish you to be happy at other times of the year or that any holiday is superior to any other holiday.

DESDEMONA JONES-KIERKEGAARD

GARY SMITH IS A RECOVERING JOURNALIST LIVING IN ROGERS.