To: NBC

Re: Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles

The network is alive with the sound of ratings (ahhahh-ahh-ahh)!

OK, so maybe I can’t sing like Julie Andrews. And neither can Carrie Underwood.

But it worked! Our ill-conceived musical-on-live-television-starring-an-American-Idol-turned-country-dynamo actually worked!

Some 18.5 million viewers watched the three-hour The Sound of Music Live! on Dec. 5, making it the night’s No. 1 show. That’s the best ages 18-49 nonsports Thursday ratings average since the 2009 series finale of ER, and also best nonsports Thursday rating in total viewers since the Frasier season finale in 2004! (Quick, get George Clooney and Kelsey Grammer on the phone - that’s two more musical events for us! Live!)

Who cares if many of those millions of viewers were tweeting negative reactions on Twitter? Like: “How do you solve a problem like miscasting Maria?” And, “‘Julie Andrews is spinning around in her grave.’ ‘Julie Andrews isn’t dead.’ ‘She will be after she watches this.’” And, “Underwood’s singing is great, but her acting’s so wooden, the Dutch are gonna invade before the Germans.”

And who cares if the tweets that really twisted the knife came from Kym Karath, who played precious Gretl Von Trapp in the movie version? “Mystified & disappointed so far by SOM special.” “Must admit some scenes are actually painful to watch.” “Love Carrie Underwood but this role is just not right for her. She is lovely, her voice is beautiful, but acting is wrong.” After all, we haven’t heard from Ms. Karathuthers - no, Karath, my bad - since the 1980s when she starred in that one episode of Archie Bunker’s Place.

It’s like Carrie Underwood said in her response tweet: “Plain and simple: Mean people need Jesus.”

Which brings me to my next idea … what about Jesus Christ Superstar Live! We could take the rock opera with lyrics by Tim Rice and music by Andrew Lloyd Webber and put one of today’s musicians in the lead. I’m thinking Harry Styles! With the other guys from One Direction as apostles! Zayn, Louis, Liam and Niall could be the next Peter, Simon and Judas Iscariot! Oh, we still need one more role. Well, pretty-boy Niall can be Mary Magdalene.

Then again, what about a classic love story like West Side Story Live? Sweet Maria - played by Selena Gomez - falls in love with Tony, a member of a rival gang. And Justin Bieber could play the young hooligan - that wouldn’t be any stretch at all! Audiences could delight in the usually sad ending, where Tony is gunned down and never heard from again.

Or maybe a musical that is a little more modern? How about Wicked Live! Yes, I can see it now! Starring Taylor Swift as the good one and Miley Cyrus as the green one! Together the tuneful witches try to twerk out their differences!

In closing, I’ll borrow from another musical we ought to consider, The Producers:

We’re gonna be producers

Sound the horn and beat the drum!

We’re gonna be producers

Look out Broadway, here we come!

Sincerely,

NBC Executive President Special Programs, Special Projects, Development And Other Stuff So long, farewell and email: [email protected]

Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture and a weekly segment on Little Rock’s KURB-FM, B98.5 at 7:30 a.m. Thursdays. Listen live and hear podcasts at b98.com.

Style, Pages 49 on 12/15/2013