Wednesday, August 21, 2013
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: Would it be OK to name our baby after my wealthy, childless uncle in the hopes that he’ll be generous to our little one? My wife thinks this would be wrong, but I’d like to see our firstborn start out with as many advantages as possible, and it’s not like either of us dislikes “Uncle Fred.” Who’s right?
DEAR MR. AND MRS. SMITH: Unless you’ve already promised your debt-ridden cousin Joe that you were naming the baby after him, there’s nothing wrong with naming your child Fred - not unless the baby’s a girl.
Be forewarned, though, that Uncle Fred might not react the way you hope. For one thing, people with money usually are well aware that others have their eyes on it. Hence Fred may feel less flattered than you think. For another, childless adults often are childless by choice. So, as adorable as Little Fred may be, Big Fred might not develop the interest in him that you imagine. Finally, don’t forget that naming your baby after your uncle can cut both ways: While your hope is that Fred will do nice things for the baby, he may be encouraged by your actions to believe that you and the baby will do nice things for him - say, look after him in his dotage. So caveat nomenor, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: My son and his wife spend money like there’s no tomorrow. My husband “Dennis” and I have subsidized them for years, including lending them money (never repaid), picking up the check whenever we all go out, paying for their kids’ school clothes and so on. Meanwhile, they blow their paychecks on everything from daily lattes and weekly massages to expensive vacations and cosmetic surgery. I’ve had it. Dennis and I aren’t made of money, and we want to retire someday. Though Dennis is reluctant to stop writing the checks, I want to offer our son and daughter-in law food and love, and that’s all. What’s the best way to tell these two the party’s over so that they’ll believe me?
DEAR WANDA: If your husband continues to hand out favors, the party’s not over. So start by convincing him that it’s time to stop.
Once you’ve done that - once you and Dennis have formed a united front - the two of you should say to your son and daughter-in-law words to this effect: “You’re living beyond your means. We hope you’re able to solve that problem. But whether you do or don’t, you won’t be receiving any more money from us. We love you and care about you. And if you need food, tell us and we’ll bring some over. But we can’t put our retirement at risk because of your irresponsible spending.”
If they don’t believe you - if they continue to ask for more - wish them well, but leave your checkbook in the drawer.
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: Every now and then, some of my golf buddies invite me to join them on their trips to play famous golf courses. I’ve always declined because, to save on expenses, these guys sleep two to a room, and I really don’t want to share a room. The reason is that I have chronic insomnia and often get up in the middle of the night. My wife thinks I should just tell the guys that I need a room of my own, but I hate to seem extravagant. Your thoughts?
DEAR P.M.: We’d call wanting a room of your own sensible, not extravagant. But you know your friends.
So tell them about your insomnia. It’s unlikely they’ll think what you’re saying is code for “I like to throw money around.” But even if that thought crosses their minds, so what? You shouldn’t let what your golf buddies think of your travel preferences stop you from enjoying one of the great pleasures of the sport.
Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz are the authors of Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?
Dealing With All of the Trickiest Money Problems Between Family and Friends (Free Press, 2008). Email them at [email protected]
Family, Pages 33 on 08/21/2013