The Lords of Salem

Friday, April 26, 2013

Rob Zombie, film scholar? I’m convinced. Rob Zombie, filmmaker? Mmmyeah, not so much.

Not judging by The Lords of Salem, at any rate. Zombie’s two contributions to the Halloween franchise were serviceably brutal, but the rocker-turned-director has literally lost the plot with his latest, an unintelligible jumble of images and dialogue with almost no connective thread. If Zombie were Spinal Tap, this might be his “Shark Sandwich.”

Buried in this mess is one excellent idea: In modern-day Salem (Zombie was born and raised in nearby Haverhill), a mysterious band called TheLords sends a 12-inch single to WIQZ-FM - “Salem Rocks!” - where disc jockey Heidi (Sheri Moon Zombie, the director’s wife) promptly plays it on air. Oops! It’s an industrial-rock version of a 17th-century melody that awakens dormant witches. Fan base established, The Lords book a local gig.

Only a true metalhead could invent this premise, and Zombie’s setup is promising. He nicely captures the nightowl camaraderie at the radio station (Jeff Daniel Phillips and Ken Foree are appealing as misfit DJs), perhaps because it’s a milieu the onetime rocker knows well. Heidi, too, feels real: aging alt-chick, recovering addict, still single. Mrs. Zombie, 42, with blond dreadlocks and multiple tattoos, plays the part convincingly.

If Zombie had stuck with this narrative (indeed, any narrative), The Lords of Salem might have been a rock-injected hoot. Unfortunately, Zombie is more intent on cluttering the screen with his cinematic influences. He mimics thesurreal interiors of Stanley Kubrick and the blasphemous freakouts of Ken Russell; he plasters Heidi’s apartment with stills from the silents of Georges Melies. Yes, yes, very impressive - but what about the story? And the scares?

You’ll get neither. There are too many dream sequences (all very bloody and rock video-y), too much yakking from a tedious witchcraft scholar (Bruce Davison) and very little of anything else. After what seems like an eternity, Zombie finally reveals his climactic monster: a small, waddling baby. Is this a nod to David Lynch’s Eraserhead? In terms of size, scale and impact, it reminded me more of a certain Stonehenge.

The Lords of Salem 78 Cast: Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davison, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Ken Foree Director: Rob Zombie Rating: R, for violent and sexual content, graphic nudity, language and some drug use Running time: 101 minutes

MovieStyle, Pages 32 on 04/26/2013